Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Worlds Colliding

Long time no write? Yeah, I know. Get over it. LOVE YOU ALL!

Ok, honestly there are many legitimate reasons why I have not written on here in a while. But I’m not going to go into them. Ultimately, the bigger reason is that I have spent about 3 years writing on here, which in blog years is like 30. Sharing much of myself and my experiences. In many ways I feel as though I have said all that I might want to say or could say – at least that I’m comfortable saying in this venue.

Why don’t I just delete the blog and move on? Two reasons. First, there is a vanity aspect of this. I have enjoyed the attention and more so enjoyed the connections I have made with people. But second, and more importantly, I still from time to time receive random emails from people who have found my blog, read it, and have been happy to have found it. I realize that in the world of bloggers, even the smaller subset of sex bloggers, being a bisexual married male in a semi-open relationship is very rare. So call it my own public service announcement or something, but I can’t quite let it go.

In the last week my blog has risen to the surface again not because I had any new desire to write, but because it overlapped with my real persona for the first time. I know that I go by Raven sometimes on here, but if you look at my history you can see I quickly dropped the Raven name and went with a more normal name. Having mixed with the Buring Man crowd I know there are a lot of people who use alter ego names. It’s just not something that fits me. However, the fastest way to identify myself in the blog world is by Raven so it remains. Plus I do still love the title and meaning of my blog’s name.

Earlier this week SR and I were at a party with friends. The party was of the more open and sexual nature – though entirely PG-13 rated (well maybe R since there was some full frontal nudity on televisions.) At the party I came face to face with a long-time blogger friend as well as some other internet personalities that I know. It was actaully a great experience and one that I was happy to have. Also, the inner fag in me loved and appreciated being called the Greta Garbo of bloggers. I was fully outed, which was fine with me. SR knew that this was possible and our friends (well at least one half of the couple) knew about it as well. However, there were a number of other factors in play that made the night slightly weird for me and some of the issues after difficult. (I apologize for being overtly vague on details, but it shouldn’t be much of a leap to figure out why).

Things were still a little sticky in the last couple days, but I think things are generally fine. But this kinda brings up an important point for me and I’m sure for fellow bloggers or even for people who have a non-traditional aspect to their life. SR is entirely aware of my blog. She chooses not to participate. Her biggest concern is that I keep things as anonymous as possible, which I am fine with. As a general rule we’re not looking to out ourselves completely. The world does not need to know all about us any more than they would if we had a traditional straight marriage. I would no sooner share the details of my sex life with friends and co-workers if it was the vanilla-iest of experiences. There is an aspect that makes me feel a little disingenuine about myself, but I think that is more of me being proud and not ashamed of myself in any way. I’m not looking to be a poster boy or couple for anything. I started writing my blog as a way to verbalize my own struggles with my sexuality and my marriage. But it was also as a way to put it out there for people to know about and comment on. Over the years I’ve done a lot of self-promotion out there because it not only felt good to be part of a community of people that understand and respected my place, but I know that people struggling with the same issues appreciated having someone tell a story they could relate to.

Even in the context of SR and I being open we maintain a level of anonymity. It is one thing to run into someone you know who is also looking for the same things you are because then you there is a shared aspect to it. They are not looking to scream it from a corner in Times Square any more than we are.

However, when things start to overlap and I inadvertently open doors for friends that maybe they are not ready for it becomes an issue. I recognize and acknowledge the risk in putting myself out there in this way, but it is a risk that I am comfortable with and one that SR is comfortable with as well.

It was inevitable that there would be a time when my online person and my “real life” person colliding together. I’m glad that it happened this week without question, but it certainly was a new experience for me.


February 27, 2009 Posted by | About Me | 2 Comments

Hot Seat

Well, I guess when I plead and be a bit of an asshole about things people respond. I was going to answer a selection of questions, but they were all too good so I’m answering them all. In the order they were received:

1. When did you realize you were bi, and tell me (us) about the first time you acted on your feelings? (from Jon)

I could answer this a bunch of different ways. I will say I accepted that I was bi nearly three years ago after having spent 3 months acting on my feelings for men and then admitting it all to SR. Though I can remember in 7th and 8th grade having crushes on guys in my class, one in particular – Chris Clark (I need to do a myspace search on him). So I suppose I’ve always known. Just took 27 years to put all the pieces together. And while I had plenty of porn and phone sex bi experiences in college my first real experience of acting on my bi feelings was in April 2004 – read more here.

These next ones are all from Evan

2. Have you ever blown someone to completion? Do you swallow?
Since blown usually implies a guy… Yes, in fact I have. A few times. Much like going down on SR to the point where she cums, I enjoy it just as much as with a guy. I enjoy the control and power aspect of getting someone past the point of no return and getting them off. There is incredible satisfaction in it. Do I swallow? As a general rule I don’t unless I know and trust the person. It’s a safety line issue for me. That having been said I have and have enjoyed it a lot. So by all means get to know me better so I can get to know and trust you better!

3. Where is the kinkiest/strangest location you’ve ever had sex?
I would have to say that would be with SR on my parents’ boat in the middle of the lake where they have a cottage (Note to Jon, see where that pic fits in better now *wink*). There may have to be a repeat of that this weekend. Though I have to admit I tend to keep things pretty vanilla in that aspect. Not because I’m not open to strange and kinky places, but just haven’t.

4. Are you flexible enough to orally please yourself? Have you tried?
No. Hasn’t every guy tried? Oh, that would be a Yes, of course to answer directly.

5. Have you and SR shared a sexual partner? Simultaneously?
Yes. Yes. And will continue to. For more evidence… um… read this blog.

6. Have you and/or SR had any extracurricular pregnancy scares?
No. Primarily because every experience has been safe. The other reason is because in almost every instance I’ve finished off in SR so any “scare” (it wouldn’t be a scare for us) would be attributed to me.

7. How do you and SR deal with the inevitable jealousy, regardless how small, that tends to rear its head?
It very rarely if ever rears it’s head. But the only way to deal with it is to be completely honest and open about indicating where something made the other uncomfortable or they didn’t like it. But there has never been a case of jealousy actually. There have been one or two instances where one of us has gotten upset because we feel like the other is leaving us out, but that’s less jealousy and more an issue of how we have agreed to proceed with things. All our explorations are an extension of OUR sex life. When one feels like the other is leaving them out it’s not jealousy. There may be instances where one of us is alone with someone else, but that is by mutual decision. Fact of the matter is we both enjoy seeing the other with someone else immensely. It’s an incredible turn on.

8. What’s the kinkiest thing you’ve never done that you want to do? That you never want to do?
Be tied up and not in control at all. Though I do also have a kinky fantasy of being raped that creeps up every so often. The thing is that it’s been a fantasy of being raped by a man sometimes and a woman others (we can debate the issue of whether a woman can rape a man another time). Though it’s more of a controlled thing. In the fantasies I’ve ended up knowing the person. So I suppose really I want to be dominated by someone – dominated completely.

Never want to do…Huh. I kinda pride myself on saying that there is nothing I wouldn’t try. Though I have to admit that scat is a huge turn off (surprisingly water sports, in the right environment is not. not something I want to do exactly, but I could see an instance where if that got someone off I’d enjoy going along with it.). Extreme pain and extreme tickling are also not cool. But those I could take and enjoy in lower level doses.

Now some questions from e.e.:

9. What happned first in terms of your bisexuality: you *giving* or you *getting* a bj
See question 1 one for the full description. But considering my first time at giving a bj really wasn’t the answer is definitely getting. Plus I think he did suck me first. I mean I think I might have licked his cock, but actually sucking it full on… not so much. know that because that was my biggest disappointment of that experience

10. When I have sex with a guy (or woman, for that matter) I often think of fantasies with other men, not necessarily the same guy (or woman) I am doing it with at that moment. Do you do the same when you are with a guy, or are you focussed on that one guy?
Huh, interesting. The quick answer is no, I don’t. But I often imagine other men and women with us when I’ve had sex with SR. When I do I always mention it to her. And the last time I had sex with a guy alone I did think about SR and how she might have fit into the equation.

11. *During* sex does your mind escape to fantasy locations and situations?
Very rarely. I’m very much an in the moment kind of person. But again if something does spring to mind I usually verbalize it.

12. If you and SR have children someday, will you cut back on the bi-play? Or is that too personal a question?
Too personal of a question. Sorta. Primarily because it is the big unknown. Not whether we’ll have kids (the only unknown part is in nature’s hands). We’ve talked about how it’s inevitable that kids will cut into the bi-play. However, I think that we both enjoy that as part of our sex life that we wouldn’t want it to be completely gone. But it’s inevitable that it would take on a lesser role or would have to be much more well orchestrated. I mean we have a hard enough time planning our social life around our dog now. And no one will call the cops on you if you leave your dog alone for 8 hours.

From J (he found my blog a couple months ago. A bi guy sorta new to the bi stuff. I jokingly call myself his mentor. I also joke that I wish I could give him some proper lessons):

13. When you were first exploring your bi side, was there anyone you were able to turn to for guidance and support (prior to telling SR of your explorations)? If so, who was it and are you still in contact today?
No, I was out on a limb myself. That is one of the primary reasons I started this blog. I didn’t really think of exploring my bi side too much in terms of what it meant. I was following a sexual compulsion. The fact that I wasn’t thinking about the deeper meanings in my life definitely is the reason why it made my relationship with SR suffer and it all inevitably come out. Once it did come out I did find someone to chat with a lot, PerfektDad (for those of you who remember his blog). We were a huge support to each other. And yes I actually do still talk to him today.

14. This may be too difficult to answer now, but would you ever tell your children that you are bi?
I don’t think I would volunteer the information to them. For the same reason that I don’t tell most of my friends. They don’t need to know about my/our sex life. If I was single I think it would inevitably come out. Now if there was a compelling reason to tell our children, such as them being challenged by their own sexuality then I might. However, I would like to think that I would not impulsively tell them, but instead talk about it with SR first and see whether that is something they should know. Though with my luck our kids will be really smart and end up finding dad’s gay porn and toys and wonder what that’s all about. Damnit, I never thought about how child proofing continues past the toddler age. Fuck! They will DEFINITELY have their own computer separate from mom and dad’s!

15. What was the most satisfying bi experience you’ve had to date?
Wow. Really good question. I think it’s actually with our friends J&R. We did start out by having sex together as couples. But a fantastic friendship has grown out of that, which still has lots of bisexual overtones. He and I have gone to gay bars together. SR and her has gone to lesbian bars. We go to Burning Man stuff with them where sexuality is very fluid and open.
However, as far as a single experience I would have to say this one was pretty awesome. Though our very first time, it was a couple was pretty great. And there was this other time with a single guy where he fucked SR very well and was very into stuff with me. I can’t find the post, but I know I wrote about.

16. OK, a gross one…would you ever want to be the guest of honor at a Bukkake party? Have you ever been?
Would I? Sure. See the answer for Question #8. Have I? Not exactly, but I have had more than one person cum on my face at one time. So while that was not the initial intention it did happen.

17. What celebrity male would you most like to fool around with? What female?
Tom Brady. Jennifer Garner. See more.

So there you have. I don’t think I’ve missed any questions, but if I did maybe I’ll do a part 2 sometime soon.

; ; ; ; ; polyamory

August 2, 2007 Posted by | About Me | 2 Comments