Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Is Blogging Like Cheating?

“…I’ve begun to wonder – is there something about blogging, particularly adult blogging, that makes the bloggers undateable? I, for example, have been willing and able to put blogging aside when the situation warranted. Like when the New Yorker decided she wasn’t totally comfortable with it.

There would obviously be a fair sized irony there, for me at least. That I started blogging to get over heartache and to try to sort out my life with regard to dating only to make myself undateable? I’m not sure that any of the three of us -actually- are but we all seem to feel that way. To the adult bloggers in the audience – do you feel that way too? To those of you reading along, what are your thoughts?

Obviously, none of us have trouble finding playmates. I guess what I’m wondering is whether blogging, like the law, is a jealous mistress.”

From A Bad Man In A Bad Place

I found this quote fascinating because it’s something I’ve struggled with. SR knows that this blog exists. She knows that I have made some online friends through it or Twitter. I’ve even introduced her to some of the people that I’ve become friendly with. However, I’ve also asked her not to read the blog because it is often very frank and open… and well there’s all the pictures. Thing is she can easily come my blog whenever she wants. She insists she doesn’t read it, but I wonder if she doesn’t check it out sometimes just because.

Thing is I know that the blog is a tough thing for her. She doesn’t quite understand the point of it and she doesn’t get that I enjoy talking with new people online. But she doesn’t mind that I do it and she understands that it plays an important role for me.

However, I do know that this blog is hard for her. The reason is two-fold. First, she knows that I talk about her on it. I think she is afraid of the perception that I might put out there about her. She wonders what people who read my blog think of her. I try my best to fair to her, but I know there have been times when I’ve been venting that I might make her out to be who she isn’t exactly.  I often talk about the tough parts of our relationship and some of the most private. And while it has been a great exercise for me over the years in terms of figuring out myself and learning more about what I want, it about me. So I can see how she might feel that she’s not necessarily represented genuinely.

The bigger issue that she has brought up is that it is an entire part of my life that I don’t share with her. And she’s right. I have asked her not to read it. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of the responses she might have. Or I’m afraid of what she might think. And while it’s not as though I’m completely hiding it from her I know that it is something that I keep to myself. I’m not sure what I’m afraid of exactly. But I know that not knowing about this part of me does make it hard for her.

Which brings me around to the analogy of the title of this post. I’ve written before that cheating is a wholly selfish act. Is this the same with blogging? Is blogging, for me anyway, a selfish act where I get to have my own private space to do what I need to do? Is this like what I did when I cheated on SR? That I was so in need to feeling out my bi urges that I just did it? Now connect this up to what Bad Man was talking about above. Is blogging an act that, when not shared with the person most intimately involved in your life, something that can make that person jealous and suspicious?

I think that unfortunately the answer is yes. Blogging has been compared to journal writing. On the surface that is true, but you don’t leave your journal at the local library for anyone coming by to read. Even if you did you’d also have to be sitting there ready for them to make a comment to with or maybe even to strike up a friendship with them because you get each other. Blogging is a private, personal exercise acted out in public. It’s like doing nude yoga in your back yard. Sure you’re doing it for the exercise, but you’re also showing off your body for anyone to see.

But where I think Bad Man and I get into trouble is we control the content and the interactions. The other people in our lives are at the mercy of our writing and the things that people say about them. It’s especially hard since we both can often write about sexual things. I know the conversations that I’ve had with people are often very open and often intimate. That can be dangerous territory for SR to take, especially when she doesn’t have a voice in it.

I don’t really know the full answer here or even if I made any sense, but I know that this is a topic I had wanted to write about before and Bad Man’s comment made me want to tackle it now.

The thing is that even if I invited SR to read my blog or even write in it, I’m not sure she would because it’s just not the type of thing that she likes to do. She started a blog once about 3 years ago and it lasted for 2 days. And again, I’m not sure I’m ready for her to see everything I’ve written on here either.


August 15, 2008 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I read this the day you posted, and wanted to write a very thought filled comment. But Im not sure that’s going to happen lol. I think everyone needs an outlet. For me, blogging did become a way for me to express who i really was with no judgment and I did it without my boyfriend knowing. (this is my now ex) Of course, once I moved in with him, I let him know about it. I was afraid he would be upset and ask me to stop. I really didn’t want to. To my luck, he was ok with it. Fast forward to today… I am with Sylvanus now and we blog together. Blogging together has been a HUGE benefit. We have found a creative way of communicating with each other. It also has connected us on many levels.. not to mention, even helped us through hard times. I think there comes a problem when blogging solo interferes with the duo. Since Sylvanus and I met as separate bloggers, it’s hard to imagine myself in a different type of scenario. Like me as a blogger and him not. Whenever I write, he is the first person I go to.. it’s him I seek approval from. When he doesn’t like a piece I write, I am not happy (that has never happened). It’s just really hard for me to imagine us as not bloggers.

    Comment by Mina | August 19, 2008 | Reply

  2. “It’s like doing nude yoga in your back yard.”

    i love that analogy! This piece will keep me thinking today.

    i started blogging at MJ’s order to keep me busy during a very busy time in His work schedule and to put a filter on my brain chaos. It worked wonderfully with filtering my somewhat confused thoughts. But it also evolved, as blogs do, into more. i use it as a creative opportunity and general “extra” closet for the stuff that would otherwise clutter my mind.

    If SR were *me*….she would be reading your blog. She would be the unusual woman, IMHO, if she knew it existed and didn’t peak in, at least time to time…particularly if something was going on between you two or she thought you seemed to being acting “odd” (we always think you guys are acting “odd”!)

    But maybe not….the entire military operates on the principle of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, so quite possibly my opinion is more telling of me than factual in your situation.

    When you ask if it’s “cheating”, i think that is only the case when you feel a need to “hide” (naked in the backyard!) what you are doing.

    Anything that puts you more in touch with your “true nature” is a very positive thing, i personally believe…so to thine own self be true…it’s you that you face when you look in the mirror..just be aware that there’s a very good chance she’s reading!


    Comment by MJ's slave | August 29, 2008 | Reply

  3. I suppose I don’t have this same problem seeing as He and I started the blog really at His beckoning. In some ways, I view it as infidelity on the level of friendship because there are many people in my life who seek to know everything about me, and my blog represents an entire world of me that others are unaware of. I don’t think that I could ever pause in my blogging for the comfort of another person though. I think that my blog has become another sort of standard with which to judge the compatibility between myself and another person if that makes sense?

    Anyway, I know it’s an older post but I found it very intriguing.

    Comment by Pandorean Slut | January 3, 2009 | Reply

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