Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Back in the Saddle… Sort of.

After my post from yesterday, I got back on the proverbial horse last night, but it wasn’t without issues. I didn’t cum last night. I was there. I was in the moment, but the problem is I was thinking too much.

When SR and I got into our last deep discussion after the Long Island weekend (part I starts here) one of the things she brought up was the fact that it has been a while since I had cum in her. It’s kind of a bigger issue because SR went off the pill at the end of last year. She was having issues health wise being on it and it clearly suppressed her sex drive (her gynecologist actually joked that she thought that was actually how the pill worked). With that came the decision that we were ready for kids. So while we weren’t trying, we’re at the point we’re not not-trying.

The fact that I hadn’t cum in in our previous session wasn’t a conscious thing for me. Though, when someone says that to you… its all you can think about. So I think about it and lose focus and end up losing my erection right at the worst time, usually when I’m fucking her. Because all I’m thinking is “I need to cum in her. I need to cum in her.” I mean DUH! that’s so fucking obvious idiot. But there I am thinking about it. Obsessing about. Talk about taking yourself right out of the moment. And talk about judging yourself. OF COURSE I lose my hard on.

It also didn’t help that in the course of the conversation post L.I. she brought up how excited and hard I was when we last had someone with us. Of course, it was the hot guy. So that brought the whole am I more into guys or that I’m not into her subtext to the conversation.

If you’ve read my blog enough you know that sex has always been an issue between SR and I. There are times when I have thought that maybe we’re not sexually compatible (I don’t think I’ve ever said that “out loud” before). We have such different drives and our likes don’t always mesh. So the thing is that when there is someone else involved I usually have someone to play off of who is more forward with me. SR is more passive and unresponsive during sex. I don’t want that to sound negative because its not necessarily. But she’s not verbal at all and unless we’re really at the height of things its hard to figure out what she’s feeling or if she’s even enjoying herself. Then there are times when I go to do something and she pushes me away and says “No, I don’t want that.” But when asked “What does she want?” I get no response.

I don’t know. It’s just kinda frustrating sometimes. It’s almost like sex is too much work when it shouldn’t be. I obsess about things. Is she having a good time? Should I do this? Should I do that? I know that I need to take the lead and push things along, but somehow I can’t get past the need to prove myself by fucking her good and cumming in her. Simple biology says this does not help with the whole we’re ready for kids thing.

But then last night there was a moment when my brain had fucked things up and we had to dial things back so I could get hard. SR asks me “What do you want?” Of course, my first response was “To fuck you.” Ugh! Idiot. That was the last thing I wanted or was ready to do at that moment. I think SR had already cum, and she’s really not one to cum multiple times. Plus her body seems to shut down once she’s cum. Of course, I should have said “I want you to fuck me” and pushed the envelope with that. Something! Anything else! But no I needed to prove myself.

And what happened?

Sure I was hard again and ready to go pretty quickly. But the minute I really get going my brain kicks in. “That’s it. You got it. Now cum in her. Gotta cum in her. Gotta prove you want her. If you don’t she’ll think you don’t love her. If you don’t she’ll think you’re really gay.”


So instead of having a great night of sex (which by the way started out very interestingly and fun) I lost my erection twice. Didn’t cum. And laid in bed for half an hour incredibly awkwardly with my wife and we tried not to think about the fact that it happened again.

I did say to her that I was thinking too much, but I’m not sure that that went very far to make her feel better.

And I know I’m putting a lot of this on myself, but I do feel it from her. And maybe I’m projecting from back when she said it almost two months ago.

The bigger problem here is that sex is not this spontaneous thing anymore. It’s something we do far too infrequently. Something that gets “planned.” And because of that I’m getting performance anxiety because I feel like I’m being judged and only getting 5’s from the Russian judge.

I don’t know how to break this cycle. It’s NOT that I don’t want to fuck/make love with my wife. It’s NOT that I’m not interested. The fact that we’ve been super playful with each other for the past two weeks despite not having sex is certainly a sign of that. But why can’t we seal the big deal? Why do I all of a sudden think too much at the moment when my brain should be shutting off and in one track mode?

Is it because we are thinking too much? That we have wrapped up so much expectations into it at this point?

If so, what the FUCK are we supposed to do?

; ; ; ;


May 3, 2007 - Posted by | Uncategorized

1 Comment »

  1. Two things to consider, buddy:

    1. 90% of your sperm is emitted in your precum, the rest of your ejaculate functions to blast it nice and deep…so you could very well be serving the function.

    2. Seems you both need to seriously just relax. Stop trying to cum and just enjoy the fucking.

    3. (Like I could ever count) Find a dr. who has no problem handing out Viagra (etc) samples–that’ll handle the wilty problem easily enough (one I dealt with similarly last summer)

    Comment by Evan | May 8, 2007 | Reply

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