Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

The More Things Change; The More They Stay the Same, Part I

When I first started to write this post a couple weeks ago it was entitled “Where’s the Line,” but like most things in life there are always subtle shifts and nudges in things. The title stemmed from our weekend at the burning man party in long island. To say it went as I hoped would be well… the exact opposite of what happened. As I wrote about earlier she had gotten her period on Thursday evening so that put us down a notch for the weekend. And unfortunately, SR also got sick on Saturday morning. It was a total gross stomach thing that had her laid out in bed most of the day. There was nothing i could do to help her make her feel better. I went out and got her a supply of possible drugs to help. She was complaining of a migraine and nausea and just general yuckiness so it was like a pharmacy in our room. She felt bad and told me to go out and have fun. I felt bad but the fact of the matter was that by being in the room she was not sleeping which is what i knew would make her feel better – at least she would be asleep and not feeling sick.

I went to explore the hotel and things going on. Some people were just arriving and people who were there on Friday night like us were off exploring or resting up in their rooms. I ended up meeting this guy, Joey, who was a dj who was there and lived in Brooklyn with his boyfriend who was not there. He mentioned that he was actually there hoping to run into me. He had noticed me the night before and was into me. I had actually noticed him too but he was being shy and coy. I figured if he’s interested he can approach me, but he didn’t.

We hung out and talked. Got to know each. Talked about our significant others and pieces of our life stories. We had some people come up to us and talk. All in all it was a very nice afternoon. And yeah we did end up going back to his room and making out. But I told him that that was the line because SR and I hadn’t talked about things. Now see this is the part of the story where I did the right thing. When I went back to the room (after promising Joey I’d find him later that night) and told SR about my afternoon she was cool and silly about it. Luckily she was also feeling a little bit better – at least enough to rally for dinner with our friends J&R who were also there that weekend.

We had a nice dinner and then went back to the rooms to chill and get ready for the evening. Now a scheduled part of the evening was for both SR & I to try “e.” We are not the huge recreational drug users, but I’m always up for a little experimenting from time to time. And J&R are always good influences in this regard. I just have to be smart because I have a natural addictive personality.

SR decided not to partake because she was afraid of getting sick again and equating the sickness with the “e.” Knowing SR I totally agree with that because that is how she would react if it happened. But knowing the effects I have to say its a drug she would enjoy. That said I wish I could say that drugs played a role in how the rest of the evening went but it didn’t.

Once we were all suitably dressed and ‘enhanced’ we headed up to the main ballroom where there was dancing. It was a little deserted so we decided to wander around and check out some of the theme rooms and to figure out where people were. We then heard everyone was going outside for ‘the burn.’ (On the final night of the burning man festival they burn a large man sculpture. This group was doing a much much smaller version of it).

We then decided to go back to see if the dancing had picked up. SR loves to dance and I’m i a total dancing fool. I have to admit that I really enjoy it even if look like a complete idiot, which I don’t think I do. It’s actually funny because people who know me and know my personality wouldn’t peg be as the club type (SR either), which we totally are. The problem is we live in New York City and clubs as a general rule are overpriced, overcrowded and as such not fun. Which is why we are glad to have gotten hooked into the burning man crowd.

It wasn’t long before we ran into Joey. I made the proper introductions all around and we continued to dance. I mentioned that Joey was very shy and a little aloof. Well he certainly was. But it was ok. SR decided she was gonna go take a walk which was fine. Of course Joey and I stayed to dance. But then he said he would be back. So I was left alone on the dance floor. No biggie. I danced a little and then went to the bathroom (I was drinking lots of water since one of the main effects of e is that it bumps up your internal body temperature). When I came out of the bathroom Joey was walking past so we went over to the bar to see if SR was there. We ended up talking a little. He wanted to apologize for being so weird – his word not mine. That it was all a little odd but he was fine. I told him to chill out and relax, and that it was fin. We had been there about 5 minutes and then SR came up and found us with a funny look of ‘hey you left me.’ I said we didn’t that I went to the bathroom and was just looking for her and Joey found me and we started talking. Though I’m sure approaching us we looked like we were having an intimate conversation. She said she was joking that it was fine and gave me a playful smile.

Rather than going back to the dance floor we went upstairs to the “Chill Lounge.” Someone had set up a kiddie pool with a whole bunch of rose petals in it. Of course people were playing around in it. We decided to sit far from the action and observe. It was late and very relaxed. We were sitting near a sliding glass door that went out to a balcony. I went outside because I was hot and it was nice and chilly out. Joey followed me and we ended up kissing. SR was in eyesight, but its not like it was the first time she’s seen me kiss another guy in private or public. We weren’t out there that long and went back inside. We were all just hanging out and doing lots of people watching.

Joey had DJed earlier in the evening and had left his coat under the DJ table. He asked if he could store it in his room because he had some prescription medicine in it and well with this crowd that stuff could go. He wasn’t actually staying in the main hotel the party was at like us, but at one just down the road. He went and got his coat and then I went and brought it to our room. Not long after I got back SR decided she was going to go to bed. She asked if I was coming and I said I was gonna hang out some more. She said fine and left. So yeah of course Joey and I were soon making out. It was hard to not help myself because he was a really cute and nice guy and he was definitely into me. Nothing like letting your ego take over control. And well SR knew where I was, who I was with, and what I was probably doing.

He then wanted to go back to his room. I wasn’t 100% sure, but I told him I’d at least walk him back. It was like 5:00 in the morning by this point. So we went back to our room to get his coat. The people in the room next to us were a group of guys who had been doing all kinds of drugs all weekend. Really nice guys. We had chatted with them on Friday night. However, we didn’t see them at all all during the day on Saturday. Now they were wide awake and partying… very loudly. I went into our room and Joey followed. SR was wide awake in a dark room. I told her I was going to walk him back to his room. She asked whether I was gonna be right back, and I said I didn’t know. She said “Fine” very roughly and rolled over.

I knew Joey was staying with a friend in his room so I really didn’t expect anything to happen because well… his friend was gonna be in the room and while I’m no prude I’m also not rude. When we got to his room and saw his friend in bed I told him I was gonna go. We had already exchanged email and stuff so I knew it wasn’t like that was gonna be it. But he really wanted me to stay and said let’s go into the shower. Ok, so I’m totally a sucker for that. It’s one of my favorite things to do – sex in the shower. SR doesn’t really enjoy it, but indulges me every once in a while. I should have been insistent and left, but I didn’t.

Instead we went into the bathroom, got naked and got into the shower. I honestly cannot give you the play by play of things because I don’t remember. However, what I remember is how incredibly intense and fun it was. Joey would have this look on his face that felt like it was looking deep into my soul and finding out everything about me. The other thing I remember is that it wasn’t one sided. It was lots of mutual touching, licking, sucking. It was really nice and a lot of fun. He is a little bit shorter than me, but has an amazing body. I could almost say he’s boyish, except that he’s slim packed with muscle. He’s like a real swimmer. It had been a long while since I had been with a guy 1-on-1 and well Joey was pretty amazing.

We said our goodbyes and thanks for a fun weekend and I walked back to our hotel. The sun was coming up and birds were already awake. It was kinda surreal. When I got back to the room our neighbors were still up… and for that matter so was SR and I could tell she was pissed off – at me. She didn’t want me anywhere near her and said she just wanted to try to get a little sleep and go home. So I tried to sleep a little. At about 8:00 I heard SR get up, get dressed and leave. I was still a little groggy and sleepy, but woke up pretty easily. I got up and packed our things up, put them in the car and went to look for SR. On my way out to find her I ran into her in the hallway. I told her we were all packed and ready to go. She was very cold and distant. We then spent the 90 minute car ride in near silence and spent the rest of the day pretty much just being two people in the same apartment. I had wanted to say something to her, to talk about it, but I also know that she sometimes needs to think about things and then come to me. That night in bed we barely touched.

It didn’t help that that night I got really sick. I woke up with a 103 fever and was completely out of it. SR actually stayed home from work to make sure I was ok. I didn’t go to work for 2 days and the rest of the week I was a mess. It was one hell of a cold that lingered for 2 weeks. Its part of the reason I was so absent from here.

However, on Wednesday SR did email to “clear the air.” She hated how Saturday night made her feel because she had felt like the third wheel on Saturday night. That I didn’t really care that she was there. And that I couldn’t wait for her to leave. That I choose the boy over her. She did say that what she was feeling was really about her. Not about what I did or the choice I made, but rather is this what she wanted?:

“What I am beginning to realize is that just bc I was/am hurt or bothered by something, doesn’t mean it is wrong for you. If that is what you want/need to do, than it is right for you. But that doesn’t make it right for me…

Look–this isn’t about blame, or pushing something onto you, or making you change. This is about that fact that I recognized that this isn’t what I want. Like I said, I can give you many things. I can give you my full love, my full devotion, and ME. I can give you occasional nights out, stolen kisses and touches. I can give you shared experiences with other people. But I can’t give you my humility. And that is what I was asked to give you Saturday night. I can’t be second. I can’t (or won’t) change who I am, or what I need. And I realize I can’t continue to ask you to make those sacrifices either. Which I have. And you shouldn’t have to, if I can’t do it myself.

I wouldn’t change how far we have come or the person I have morphed into. I have much more fun now that I am willing to let myself go, feel and be sexy, revel in the chase and relish the enjoyment of it all. I know I will always have that in my life now–I am a much better person for it.

But, I don’t want to just be your wife. I want to be your partner, your best friend, your sexual fulfillment, the person you always prefer. But I feel like I am truly realizing that I can’t be all those things for you. And I am not sure you can expect me to be, if your needs remain what they are.”

That was really hard stuff to take because the thing that is most scary about it was the feeling of her disengaging. That she was making a choice for us based on how she was feeling.

The fact of the matter is I am certainly the more bi one of us. I am the more open one of us. And I am the one that is more comfortable with being completely open. Part of her discomfort might stem from my past cheating. Part of it might also stem from my own selfish reasons. But those are only just small parts. Fact of the matter is that we are both just built a little differently. It’s not that she doesn’t have the same desires and wants for other people its just that she doesn’t need to completely indulge in them. She can enjoy the open flirtation and the casual playing. But she doesn’t need to take it all the way. I on the other hand truly can’t separate the line between just having fun and wanting to take it further. Maybe it’s a guy/girl thing. Maybe it’s a her/me thing. I think the problem for me is that I take advantage of the fact that SR knows I’m bi and is totally cool with it. So I take that as tacit permission to do anything I want and I easily forget about her in the mix because we’ve talked about how its cool to a point. I get so wrapped up in what I’m doing and think that she’ll be fine with it because we’ve talked about things. Rather than spending those evenings with her and letting whatever else comes be a one off — the extension of us. The way the weekend played out that I met Joey first separate from SR didn’t help. But it didn’t help that I clearly had an agenda. I know that my actions were not perfect in the weekend at all. But that was the trip-up, not the full scope of what was playing out in the aftermath.

The other thing is that there is some insecurity on SR’s part. She questioned whether I loved her or wanted her. Now the questioning my love for her pisses me off to no end. This is a question that came up in the immediate aftermath of my admitting I had cheated on her. She asked whether I really loved her or loved the idea of her. It’s morphed to question whether I loved her like a husband or a really good friend. There is nothing I can say to defend myself because I think my actions and words make it perfectly clear how much and deeply I love her as her husband. She also questions whether I want her or if she’s enough for me. Now this is a touchy subject because in practical terms no she isn’t enough for me. I’m bi so unless she can grow a cock and adapt more masculine features, yes, that means she won’t be all of what I want. However, that isn’t to say that I don’t want her. We do have different sexual styles and approaches, but more when we hit the right places it’s fantastic and amazing.

But the problem has sometimes become that we are too aware of our difference sexually speaking and in the moment I often find myself trying to make sure its “all right” and not just enjoying the moment. And then I think about the things I want SR to do and whether I’m progressing the way she wants. What ends up happening sometimes is that I lose focus which in turn means I lose interest. This is turn is something that SR takes personally as my not be interested in her or wanting her or not being enough for her. When I know it’s the wrong head getting in the fucking way. The weekend after Long Island we had one of those experiences. It pissed me off because she started crying and getting upset, but I was upset and mad too because I knew it wasn’t for lack of enjoying it, but because I knew I was far too self aware in the moment. We had been talking so much about “things” that week it was all I could think about. I couldn’t get lost in the moment.

This is all the stuff that came out from this one weekend. So that’s Part I of the story. I think this is gonna run into three posts because there is a whole continuation of the story that happened over the weekend, but I need to write some of the aftermath and reflections on part one.

Sorry this went so long, but don’t expect the next two to be any shorter.

And thanks for all the birthday wishes. Trust me I am having a ball being 30!!

; ; ; ;

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April 12, 2007 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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