Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.


Was just reading one of Jefferson’s posts. It was a slice of his life post rather than an all out sex fest. But I came across this quote and wondered what people thought:

“My point is that if two people commit to monogamy, then each partner takes responsibility for the sexual life of the other. I think that when I was married, I didn’t fully understand that Lucy was ‘cheating’ on our commitment when she was unconcerned with my sexual pleasure. The lack of blowjobs was a symptom I failed to diagnose.”



So Ben’s wife and I discussed. Here’s what we said.

BW: I find it interesting that you pulled that quote out, considering that Dan Savage had reader response to his cuckolding column that was very similar in tone

Me: yeah I haven’t followed all the comments on the Dan Savage thing, but I have it saved to read. I thought it was an interesting comment. haven’t formed a full thought about it which is why I put it up there

BW: I think it is a pretty fair comment, to a point.

I mean, if you have a situation like Ben and I had, where he realized his bisexuality after we married, I could not/should not be automatically expected to not only accept the way things had changed but also to give him the room to do whatever he wanted to do. I mean, looking at the marriage “contract,” he was trying to change the terms without getting my approval.

So in that respect, there should be allowances made for the way the relationship evolves, and whether the sexual needs you are being asked to fulfill are within the boundaries of what might have been “expected” when the marriage happened.

Me: point well taken

BW: If not, that’s when you have to determine if this is something you can/want to be responsible for, or if this is something you would prefer to bend the rules of monogamy for, or whether the relationship is irretrievably broken.

Anyway. That’s my take. Which I figured worked better as a conversation with you than as a comment on your blog

Me: see that’s where my thinking was. on the surface it is a completely accurate comment when talking about something as commonplace as a blowjob… however, there is a limit to the accuracy of that statement

case in point… what you say

i think it assumes that the partners in a monogamous relationship have been completely open about their sexual preferences

but even in the case of blowjobs what if the guy is especially hung and it’s a painful experience for the woman/man

BW: Right. I mean, in the context that he was bringing it up (he had decided to put his bisexual desires on hold in favor of his wife, so quid pro quo, his wife should be giving him as many blowjobs as he wanted) I think it’s a completely fair assessment.

Me: his quote sounds good, but can be chipped away at

BW: But there are so many other factors. And I think the best case scenario is that you get all of your expectations laid out before you get married and decide to have a monogamous relationship. Unfortunately, life isn’t always tied up in a bow like that.

Me: exactly and that’s where the fault lies in the logic

it is a nice ideal, but it is a practical ideal?

BW: I like Dan Savage’s theory that your biggest obligation is to be GGG. Beyond that though, I think it’s tough to quantify what is “fair” in a sexual relationship with two people

Me: GGG?

BW: “Good, Giving and Game”

Me: right

BW: I like that because the obligation goes both ways. Both partners should be good, giving and game, if their sex life is going to be successful. The onus is not just on one partner to, for example, give x number of blow jobs per week

Me: agreed and I like the game part because it allows for the flexibility that should exist as a relationship evolves over time.

BW: Right. Exactly

; ; ;


January 24, 2007 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. Mmmmm,Mark,you are so romantic and sexy.Not only blackmailing your wife into sucking your dick,but posting about it.Mmmm,you are every girl’s dream.I can imagine being your wife.She is so fucking lucky.Who wouldn’t want to suck her husband’s dick knowing just how many guy’s asses and mouths its been in.Mmmmm chalked full of manly goodness.You must really love your wife.Not only knowing how many whiskers and dirty asses you have or are going to stuff it in,makes sucking you extra enjoyable.You must really love her.Mmmm ,and then to post it for all your stanky friends to read.You are such a romantic,sexy man.It is every woman’s dream to be just another hole for you to fill,especially being your wife and all,knowiny it is your dick and not her that …pardon the pun…that comes first.I HOPE SHE LEAVES YOU,YOU SELFISH PIG BASTARD.

    Comment by Anonymous | January 25, 2007 | Reply

  2. Anonymous, don’t make me go all gangsta on your ass because I will. Cuz I knows Mark and I’s can tell you that you don’t know shit about him and you’s just jealous because Mark looks hot and can get whatever dick he wants but he chooses not to. I knows how Mark is and trust me…Mark ain’t like that so you can just take your post, wad it up into a nice tight little ball, and cram it.

    Comment by Irma Horowitz | January 26, 2007 | Reply

  3. I wasn’t going to comment, but this really pisses me off. *I* am a woman who finds it sexy and, yes, romantic, that my guy can openly share his sexuality with me, and I with him. Anonymous, if you think that monogamy confers love and respect, you have a serious problem: you have no idea what love is. My guy can fuck everyone and anyone, and you know what? I get off on it. I love knowing where that cock of his has been. I’m the one who posts it all for my friends to read, but I’d love it if he did so as well. Fucking someone other than your wife or husband does not mean that there’s a lack or love or respect. Far from it. Sharing ones most personal sexual feelings is the ultimate in intimacy. As for blackmail, well, the only worth in your comment is that tiny seed of suggestion: I’m trying to figure out a way to “blackmail” my guy into putting out, or getting him to do that to me. Role-playing is such a kick.

    Comment by Mercy | January 29, 2007 | Reply

  4. Thanks Mercy. That was the perfect balance that was needed! Truly appreciate it.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | January 29, 2007 | Reply

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