Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Dr. Evil-Pill: Or, How We Decided to Say Fuck-Off to the Pill and Embrace Un-Safe Sex

Note: In rereading this I felt it was important to put a disclaimer up front that while this was a conscious decision we made together as part of our relationship it doesn’t change the fact that once someone else is included in the mix we always practice safe sex — everyone should do the same.

One of the things I’ve feared most in my relationship in everything that SR and I have been through is this nagging question: “Are we sexually incompatible?”

That’s a very scary question and one that I’ve been afraid of the answer. There is no question in my mind that we are great for each other. We balance each other in such fantastic ways. She challenges me to be a better man and has succeeded in many areas. However, our sex life was always the one area that was “good, but . . .”

When the bi stuff came out it made us become more open about our sex life and what wasn’t working and what was lacking. I have to admit that it’s the one area that we’re still working on most. To be honest, exploring with others has been a huge education for both of us. I’ve learned a lot about SR and the way she is because it seems to be easier for her to be open about things sexually with others. That’s not that surprising because with someone you’re emotionally connected to there can be things that you like that you’re afraid to mention for fear of what it effect it might have.

However, one of the biggest issues among us has been the fact that we seem to be on different schedules, sexually speaking. She used to be only more interested in sex on weekend nights or in the morning. Whereas I’m more of the whenever the mood strikes us; who cares if we’re up until all hours of the morning on a “school night?” But even more, it seemed we only have sex a few times of the month. She was never as interested as me and she would rarely initiate things. It became a horribly contentious issue. I know I used it as an excuse when I was cheating.

There are some things that are not necessarily gonna change. She is more passive and submissive, and so she’s never gonna just jump me in the middle of the kitchen. These are things that I can adjust to and work on. It’s better to know that she’s not gonna be forward about things necessarily as opposed to thinking she’s just not that into sex. However, the bigger has been the lack of consistency in regularity. At its worst it was worse that sitcom cliche. There we times when I would try to initiate in different ways (slowly or forcefully), but would still be rebuffed. It was extremely frustrating, especially when trying to figure out other things in our relationship that were so tied to sex.

Very early in our relationship SR went on the pill. It was more a function of the fact that health insurance was finally covering it more than anything. But I won’t lie and say that it was just easier. When you are in a committed relationship and the worry of STDs are nil (this was before I was cheating) pregnancy is really the only thing you worry about. And when the pill is effective in the upper 90% range those are odds you are fine with when you know that kids are part of the equation for both of you eventually.

Things went along great and fine until I started cheating and was getting sex on a much more regular basis and liking it. Strip away all the other factors and this is a pretty bleak insight. My wife doesn’t want it as much, but all these other people do. Yeah, yeah she was handicapped being one person in comparison to many. But the mind can convince you of stupid things.

In our conversations after things came out we came to the realization pretty quickly that maybe the pill was playing a bigger roll than we thought. That was confirmed last summer when through needing to adjust her cycle for a vacation she skipped a month of the pill. WOW! Hello, I’m Mark and I know you look like my wife, but who are you? It was like there was a new SR. She was much more sexually engaged and willing to fuck. It was amazing and wonderful. It used to be I had this 2-3 day window of heightened sexual interest when she started on the pill each month and her hormone levels were wacky. But now there was no schedule there just was.

She ended up going on the pill again just after and two months later her sexual appetite was squashed. This is when we started to have the serious conversation about her stopping the pill. There were also other more medical considerations that flared up this spring and summer that only confirmed things. We had pretty much decided that it was time to go off the pill. That the bad effects were not worth it. It was a strike against us that we just didn’t need. A conversation with her gyno where the doctor said “Reduced sexual desire is not uncommon. In fact there are times when I think that is really how is works!” put the nail in the coffin for birth control for us.

Now, there was the little issue of alternative measures. I have no objection to using a condom given my dalliances of the past. However, when you spend 7 years with someone NOT using a condom the adjustment is difficult. When you’re not used to having to stop the flow to get a condom you just don’t think about it because you’ve already conditioned yourselves not to.

We had varying degrees of success in remembering to use a condom or even the half measure of effective birth control – withdrawal. This just wasn’t gonna work. Now couple this all with the recent great conversations we’ve had and the better place we’re in and we came to a new decision in the last month. We’ve always known that we both wanted kids and that they would be part of things. Though that was put on hold in the last two years in trying to figure things out. But now we think we’re ready. We’re not trying to have kids . . . More like we’re not not trying to have kids. All these things taken together have just put us in such a fantastic place. And the sex. . . well its been fantastic.

; ; ;

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January 8, 2007 - Posted by | Uncategorized

1 Comment »

  1. Oh yeah! You go booooooooooooooooooooy! Get it on with your bad self. Hit it like it’s hot!

    (cue cheesy 70s porn music)

    Yeah. You lookin’ good…

    Comment by Ethel Goldfein | January 8, 2007 | Reply


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