Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

I Know, But Still

Nate has been talking about a trip to Chicago in his blog for a while and the ramifications that trip will have/had had on his marriage. Being in another city, in a hotel room, and away from your other half certainly brings out the worst in you sometimes. It gets your mind wandering to bad things that you know you shouldn’t think about, but do anyway.

Why bring this up? Well, SR is taking the first of what will be a number of trips for work. She’ll be away Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. Of course, that gets my perverted and bad side going into hyperactive thinking about how I could celebrate my temporary bachelorhood.

Back in the days when I was cheating on SR with other guys (back when I was being a selfish prick) this would be the perfect time to get my fill. Old habits are hard to break. Plus I’d be lying to myself if I said I hadn’t thought about it. BUT that’s important. Being aware of it is half the battle of fighting the urge. Knowing that while I could set-up something, I would be a horrible hypocrite to do so. An worst of all, would be be dishonoring the trust and the place that SR and I have gotten.

But this goes a little further. It’s been a very long time since SR and I have explored with others, which in turn is the same as the amount of time that I’ve had any experience with another guy. Of course, I’m urging. Now I’m sure there are plenty who would say that I’m married and fidelity goes hand in hand. That just because I want it doesn’t mean I should get it. And, rationally, I would agree. However, rationality does not always go hand and hand with thoughts like these. When you are someone who has cheated. Who has taken that step to just say fuck it and go for what you want your irrational side says don’t worry about it and just go for it. You start to rationalize it all just like you did when you did it in the past. And when you’re lucky the good part of you kicks in and fights back. You start to remind yourself of the bad places you’ve been. Of the place where you are. And how easy one stupid decision could bring it all crashing down. Because if this was Texas Hold’Em you are all in waiting for the river and you’re going for the glory or the bust.

To try to counteract these urges I thought maybe it would be interesting to see if I could find some people for us to explore with together this weekend since we actually have a free weekend and the timing would, in a way, be ideal. Get a fix for while SR is away. Of course, that part took off pretty quickly and easily. A simple ad up on craigslist and some emails out to people we’ve been with before. Got lots of interesting responses, but most of them single guys that could be boiled down to “hot. let’s fuck.” There are two that are interesting leads that could go to interesting places, but probably not this weekend.

However, last night two things hit me. I was checking my email and responding to ad responses and SR asked what I was doing. Alluded to her what I was doing and she said “oh.” Oh in that disappointed, distrusting tone that speaks volumes. In thinking about it I realized that I was doing it for me and not us. That I wanted to find someone(s) to join us for me. So that I could feel better about getting what I “needed” without the guilt. I know that is not the way that SR likes things to go. She sees right through that and hates it. Then she starts to resist hard. I also suspect that she likes the place to where we’ve gotten. I do too. Our relationship, especially in sexual terms (more on that later), has improved by degrees big and small. In a ways where not “needing” to explore with others is really nice because we’ve been able to enjoy each other to the extent that we don’t need it.

So this is where I am today. Not a bad place, but just a place where some of the old is bubbling to the surface. But the reassuring thing is that I’m not trying to delude or lie to myself about it. I see it. I recognize it. I accept it. And I’m trying to work through it in a healthy way.

; ; ; ;

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January 5, 2007 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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