Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Where I’m At

Ok, so I realize that most of my posts of late have been trivial and not exactly relevant to the topic I write about most of the time. I know I have been especially quiet since the beginning of November (refresh your memory if you care to: 1, 2, 3). Since then much has happened. I started a new job, which has kept me from being more active in writing. It’s a new job and I really needed to hit the ground running. But I’m much more adjusted now and this is not exactly the time of year for me to easily be able to take the reins and move ahead on things given the kind of work that I do.

But it’s been about 2 months since SR and I had our conversation about where we stand. She made it perfectly clear – even more so than in the past – on where she stands on things and how she feels. She is comfortable with the fact that I am bi and understands the desires I have. She enjoys our meeting with other people sexually, but just hasn’t been excited by anyone we’ve come across of late. She’s even comfortable with me meeting someone on a 1-on-1 basis if it’s someone she knows and that we’re friends with together. That’s all good. Where things diverge is new people I meet online or in a club/bar. She could be fine (for right now) with me meeting someone out and hooking up, but doesn’t quite understand why I would want or need to take things any further than the making out and groping that might happen in a bar. And she is not comfortable with me meeting someone who I get to know personally through a site or something.

It took a day for it to hit me, but I completely understand it. It is the difference between an experience that is an extension of us and one that is all about me. If I was to get together with one of the people we’re friends with that we’ve been with sexually she could insert herself into the equation then or at a later time. However, if it’s someone I meet on my own it’s more like I’m casually dating. It’s harder for her to insert herself into it because she wasn’t part of the experience from the start. Sure I don’t hide my bi married status all that much (it’s not an opening line if I’m out with R on a guy’s night out, but not something I hide). However, someone hitting on me in a bar or online is not interested in SR.

This all seems quite elementary, but it took that conversation with her to put it all into perspective for me. I think the important thing for me was that I was pushing to continue to experiment. I was looking to push things more and see where they went. But what was I expecting out of it? I was being like a child asking for more food for no other reason than the fact that I could. It took someone to say no more for it all to sink in. Sink in that what I had was enough for me. And if I truly wanted more then that was an entirely different conversation.

I suppose in a way I’m ashamed that I didn’t figure things out on my own, but I’ll admit to being fairly single-minded in my pursuits sometimes. It’s one of the harsh realities I’ve had to accept about myself, and I’ve tried to be better about it. Selfishness is a theme I’ve touched on a number of times in this blog before. I put blinders on when it comes to sexual experimentation. I think the fact that SR knows I’m bi is enough. She gets it and is ok with it — so she’s ok with it all. Um…. no.

After SR and I had our conversation over IM and email (yes, I know some of you remain to be baffled by the efficacy of this method) we were out walking the dog one night and the subject came up. I told her that I completely got what she was saying and that I understood and agreed. I admitted to being selfish about it by pushing for more. That by pushing for more I was in effect pushing her aside (and out of the away). I didn’t want that and still do not. I do want it to be something we share in. And that we can figure things out in the context of what she is comfortable with because, as I said, if that’s not comfortable for me then there is a whole other conversation to be had.

It was an incredibly positive and wonderful conversation. It also branched out into talking about the things I do want in our sex life. I know that if I want them I have to make them happen. SR is more passive and submissive and she is open to things that I might want, but she’s not going to initiate them no matter how much I might want it. It’s just not her. But greater than that she has been much more forward and open with me in initiating sex (more on this another time).

There has kinda been a calm that has settled over things for us. We’ve had great conversations about the future and what next steps might be for us. I won’t lie and say that taking any big steps forward are not met with apprehension given our past, but it’s something that we’ve both accepted as being the reality and as long as we are mindful of it we are ok. This has also expanded into other parts of my life and in lots of ways uncomplicated other things.

As always it’s not entirely perfect and there are hiccups along the way, but that’s just the way things are … Far from perfect, but very good nonetheless.

; ; ; ;


December 18, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. SR and I must be a lot alike as I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND this:
    “If I was to get together with one of the people we’re friends with that we’ve been with sexually she could insert herself into the equation then or at a later time. However, if it’s someone I meet on my own it’s more like I’m casually dating. It’s harder for her to insert herself into it because she wasn’t part of the experience from the start.”

    Just curious… How would you feel if SR decides she wants to meet and hook up with someone without you?

    Comment by Jenika | December 19, 2006 | Reply

  2. Jenika,
    That’s a difficult question to answer because I can’t help but admit that part of the rational for my answer might be self-serving. If I’m ok with it for her then she has to be ok with it for me. Convenient circular logic, eh?

    However, I would be ok with it in a similar way as her. I think that I would be more open to it as a general rule. I do recognize that it can be a slippery slope to hurting your relationship, but in the right atmosphere it’s ok. The fact is though that the atmosphere I have done it in in the past is not. If we were out or at a party somewhere (or if she was out with friends) and someone made the moves on her and she wanted to go with it I would be fine with it. The reason is because I know it’s not something she’d do in total absence of me and it’s something she’d share with me later (which usually leads to more intense fun between us).

    And this is the distinction that I have to bring into more clear content in my own actions.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | December 19, 2006 | Reply

  3. Glad to see your back with a vengence – many posts.

    I am glad to hear that you and SR are talking and have found a peaceful place.

    And I have come to grips with the IM’ing each other. I may not use IM’s, but Carrie and I have covered some tricky ground in e-mails or notes left for each other – really much the same in a low tech way.

    Happy holidays

    Comment by Nate | December 20, 2006 | Reply

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