Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Open Marriage

Through the beauty that is Google I found a link to this article in the Web Clips box on Gmail. It is one woman’s story of how her and her husband came to have an open marriage. I have yet to read another person’s story that so mirrors the way I feel about things. The situation and circumstances are strikingly similar to my own except for the fact that the author is a woman. Some of the more powerful statements:

  • On cheating and why: I felt sick about lying to my husband, sick about wanting to be with [my female lover], sick for not just calling it off—or avoiding it in the first place.

    I thought hard about how I had gotten there. At first, I figured that my being with her really was about my bisexuality, about a part of me that I simply couldn’t brush aside. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that wasn’t true: It was about wanting more sex than my husband could offer, and sex different from that which any one person could provide.

  • On having a different drive than her husband: We had an adequate sex life; probably pretty darn good by some standards. Still, there were always things I wanted that I simply couldn’t get from him.

    “I want you to talk dirty to me,” I told him. “To tie me up. To attack me in the middle of the day on the kitchen floor.”

    “I can’t, baby,” he’d say, drawing me into his arms. “I love you.”

    And slowly I began to figure it out. For my husband, sex with me was about loving me. And loving me was about caring for and respecting me. Although there are people who can manage that duality (or plurality), my husband simply couldn’t. And I wasn’t sure he should have to. But I also wasn’t sure that I should have to go without.

  • On seeing her husband with another person: It was amazing to watch them together. It was hot, but it was also very sweet. She was so lost in him and he in her. I was able to see him as a human being, if you know what I mean. Not as my husband or my daughter’s father, but as a man, a sexual being, a person who wants to be wanted, who needs to be wanted.
  • On wanting to be with others more than her husband: My husband hasn’t pursued anyone since my friend. He says he’s too shy to pick up girls, and, really, he doesn’t feel the need. I can sometimes tell that the fact that I do hurts him. “Intellectually,” he explains, “I totally get it. But sometimes, emotionally, it’s hard.”
  • On sharing information: Neither of us really knows how we feel or what will or won’t work until we test it out. For example, my husband continues to wrestle with how much he does and does not want to know. If I’m with another woman, he wants every gory detail. But when I’m with another man, sometimes he’d prefer not to know it happened at all. Generally, though, he likes to know who and when. When he asks for specific information, I answer. Sometimes, however, it’s hard to read whether he really wants that answer, and I feel sad when I get it wrong. Like when I don’t tell him something and it comes up later, making him feel out of the loop, something I try desperately to avoid. It all boils down to effective communication—without it, no marriage, open or otherwise, stands a chance.

I guess I’ve shared most of the article, but these things hit home in ways I can’t articulate without just using her words. Read it!!

While I wouldn’t describe my marriage completely or fully as open marriage, but it’s certainly our own hybrid of one.

; ; ; ;


November 28, 2006 - Posted by | Link to read


  1. Thanks for sharing! That gives me a lot to think about.

    Comment by Jenika | November 29, 2006 | Reply

  2. This was really good, beautiful in fact!

    Comment by Anonymous | November 30, 2006 | Reply

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