Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Affirming the Rules

So unemployment is great (especially when you’ve spent most of the time interviewing for jobs). Seriously it is. Outside of the fact that we’re looking at starting to eat into some of our savings once the new month rolls around it’s not too awful. What’s amazing is that I don’t realize how fast a day goes by sometimes. Between hanging with our dog, going to the gym, meeting people for lunch, getting my iPod fixed twice (well, once, now it’s officially fucked), and other random putzing about I haven’t had as much time to write in this space. I thought I would be able to write every day and keep you all updated on the mundane excitement of my unemployed life. Well, that didn’t happen.

But let’s bring you up to date on the most interesting aspect of things. A couple weeks ago SR and I both went out with our bi married couple friends J&R — separately. I’ve mentioned at least one guys’ night out with R in the past, but if I recall correctly we’ve done it 3 or 4 times now. Just him and me going out to some of the gay bars and clubs in New York. It’s a fun night and allows me to be completely open about the other side of things without worry. SR and J have talked about having a similar girls’ night out, but have never seemed to be able to make it happen. Well, it finally happened. The girls went out to some lesbian club in midtown while R and I went to a few of the gay bars in the East Village of Manhattan (we’ve actually found some favorites now).

It was a really great night. R ended up crapping out on me around 3:00. I had been in text message contact with SR randomly throughout the night so I knew she was still out. So R went home and I stayed at the bar where we were. I ended up meeting these two guys who were friends. They were 24 (shocking that they were into me since I usually attract guys older than me). One of them started talking to me first, but he was pretty drunk so his friend ended up talking to me. He was a really nice guy and was very cute. 4:00 rolled around and the bar threw us out as it is the customary closing time in nyc. The drunk guy lived only a couple blocks away so I volunteered to help walk him home (if only to lengthen the time with the cute one who was into me). Of course, things got complicated when the guy asked me out, but we talked through things a little and some heavy making out helped. We exchanged numbers and I said my goodbyes. The problem was that it was 5:00 and by that point and SR was already back at our friends place where we had first driven to. They were in bed and she didn’t really know what was going on with me. She was pissed off, but I wasn’t concerned because there was nothing bad going on. I met her and well she as also very drunk. She I let her stew and we got home and collapsed into bed.

Next morning things were fine and we shared our evening’s stories. SR had a very fun night out. She and J got considerably drunk on shots of bourbon and jello shots (and they say that men only get others drunk in order to take advantage of them. HA!). They met this woman from out of town who was visiting a gay male friend who was being a good friend and out at the lesbian club (too bad they didn’t offer to dispatch him to us. Could have made for a fun moment in the evening). Well, apparently there was lots of making out between their new friend and them. Lots of groping and such. Apparently the out of town woman was looking for an invite back to somewhere for a threesome (SR & J are not so forward in that regard so even if the arrangements wouldn’t have been difficult — which they would have — it wouldn’t have happened). Also, in another interesting development SR & J were talking. J mentioned that her and R were very into SR, but not so into me (we have all fooled around together on all the levels in the past, but we’ve become very good friends too so…). Now this doesn’t come as a surprise to me at all and I’m truly not offended. J & R both like the twinky type of guy — young, skinny, boyish type of guy. I, as many of you know from previous HNT, am not anything CLOSE to that. I might be the antithesis of that. In fact, most gay guys would probably throw me in the bear category of the generic types of gay guys. I suppose I fit generally in the regard to 1) being stockier of build and 2) being hairy in general. However, I don’t subscribe to the type and refuse to be labeled as such mostly because it comes with the connotations of leather and raunchy sex. Which sure I’m into anything sexually, but really I’m far more romantic and passionate than raunchy.

This is all important background to my point– plus always nice to share the story of SR and I getting some bi action on the side alone. Flashforward a week and we are part of the plans surrounding R’s 40th celebration. Since I wasn’t working I went to the airport to pick up R’s oldest closest friend , RF, who J had flown in as a birthday surprise (We met RF and his boyfriend, E, the same weekend last fall when we travelled out to San Francisco with J&R. There was a lot of flirtation between me and the guys, and it has continued online and has gotten more to the point of if it’s every possible geography I’d probably join them). So on Friday we delivered the surprise and all had a fun dinner together (the big celebration was Saturday evening).

In the car ride home (the scene of most of our greatest conversations — the rest taking place over email or after sex) we somehow got on the topic of SR not trusting me, how open we are, and me hiding things from SR. There have been a couple instances in the past few months where I’ve not shared information on people I’ve talked to. Instances where it may seem as though I’m hiding something that is not innocent conversation, which is what it all was. SR’s issue, entirely valid issue, is that she does trust me, but when I don’t share things with her it’s hard for her to continue to trust me. If I was more open about things and who I talked to then she would be fine. And if it came to a point where I might want to meet with someone casually or not so casually she’d be more open to it if it was someone that she knew about and not a complete stranger.

She said she would also be open to me wanting to fuck around with someone on my own — if there was a comfort level that it wasn’t someone random. She did bring up the point that she’d be fine if I wanted to get together with our bi guy friend JMac and would have no problem with it because she’s met him and knows him. That’s the ideal for her. She said she’s always thought that, but honestly if that was clearly the case in the past two years we wouldn’t have been having this discussion (and well I would have taken advantage of it). I argued this point, but then thought “Shut the fuck up idiot. Who cares about the past? This is the present case. Just accept her point and move on.”

It was a very difficult and protracted discussion, but what it came down to is that SR wants to know more about the people I’m talking to. She’d even be open to meeting some of them if it makes sense. She’s be open to me meeting people she knows about. Her issue is not with me being friendly or flirtatious with people its with having an emotional attachment to anyone (a point which I totally know would be very difficult to handle).

The interesting part of this conversation is that it came so soon after her own night out exploring her own bi side by herself without limits. I think she got a better understanding of the draw and appeal in the fun of it that I get/got – even when I was cheating on her. When you have that other side pulling you its fun to explore it in a healthy and fun way (trust me I enjoy guys’ nights out much more than the sneaking around and cheating). I also think that in experiencing that herself she understood that there isn’t any threat in it for her if I do it.

It was a really great converastion to have because there are people I’ve talked to randomly who know my situation and just seem like cool guys who might just be fun to meet casually. And yeah sure there have been guys I’ve met where I’d love to meet for a beer and then go home with them. But I’d never entertained the ideas in reality because I always got stupid about things when it came to bringing it up to SR. I’d wonder if she’d get upset or think that it was something more. I’d feel guilty. But in talking to her that Friday I realized that if that’s the case those are her issues.

We decided over two years ago that we agreed to having a somewhat open marriage where the core of it would be to communicate with each other honestly and openly. So she accepts that I am bi and will be attracted to guys. She accepts that I will flirt with guys. She accepts (and enjoys) it when I’m with a guy sexually when we are together with them. She knows of all the different sites where I might talk to and meet guys and can sign on to them anytime she wants to see what I’m doing. But if I’m not sharing with her and by omission hiding things I can’t get upset if she gets a little bent when she finds out about something randomly.

What’s more interesting is that I have had separate conversations with Ben and his wife (my girlfriend) about it. She feels the same way as SR. She would rather know about who he is talking to rather than see him hiding it or catching him hiding it. She said she would be more open to the idea of “things” if she felt more comfortable with how it happens and the people involved. Doesn’t mean she’s gonna be wholly supportive all the time, but if she knows he is being honest and open about it then, like SR, the issue is more about her then it is about him/me. At the same time I understand how Ben feels; that it can be weird to be open about it with your wife because on one level it’s totally weird and like cheating. However, we have to get over that because our wives know and have been willing to be open and supportive. If that changes then it’s up to them to say it.

So I’ve started sharing more with SR. Telling her about the people I talk to now. Sending her information about people and even full email or im exchanges. If she is overwhelmed and freaks out or gets uncomfortable then I know that its her issue and not necessarily about me. However, I am being smart about things. I’m not sending her every random exchange I have. The various guys who might message me on a site saying they want to hook-up I’m keeping those to myself. Sex is very secondary. It’s possible, but not a guarantee. I’m only sending her information on people that I think could actually be fun to meet and hang out with and if sex becomes an element then she knows that and it’s a conversation we have.

I guess we’ll see where this goes. I might get to see how it plays out this weekend when J wants another guys’ night out for Halloween. We’ll probably be doing something one night all four of us, but he likes to get freaky with just the boys one night as well. She knows about a couple guys that I’ve talked to that I might just happen to let know that I’ll be out. I’ll let her know that I might meet one of them and see what happens. A little bit of uncharted territory, but it might lead to a new openness for us.

At the end of the day, the biggest and most important thing is that it has all been a positive development. And I’m very excited by the idea and hope that SR will do more exploring on her own.

; ; ; ;


October 21, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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