Urging

There is a common experience that I see run through a number of blogs by other bi married men. There always seems to come a period of time every now and then when there is a strong desire to explore that other side. When I first started exploring the internet for bi support type groups I found a number of yahoo groups. There was often discussion on things coming in waves. That there were times when the bi person in the relationship was content – thus the low part of the wave – and then there were times when all they could think about was being drawn to someone of the same sex – the high point.

I will agree that it does come in waves, but I think there is more to it than that. Coming in waves makes it seem as though there is a natural or even unconscious flow to it. That I wake up one morning and think “Yeah, I could go for some cock today.” Maybe that’s how it happens, but I don’t believe that’s simply it.

What I always try to figure out is what is drawing me in that direction? What’s going on (or not going on) that makes it such an imperative? Because it does become an imperative. That’s why I have jokingly referred to it to others as urging. Man I really urging today. Kinda puts it quite directly.

But see what’s harder for me to grasp is why am I so distinctly drawn to act on it – the urge. It’s not just seeing a good looking guy on the subway, street, tv or whatever. It’s not a casual mental acknowledgment that I’m attracted to men as well. It’s a full on urge to act on those feelings. To find an outlet to explore. And so I wonder – why? Why am I like that? Where is the miswiring? Why is it that when I should be so tremendously content with what I hav,e do I want what I don’t/can’t have? Do I go to the extreme of desiring it so immediately because i’m extremely sexual? Incredibly selfish? A bad person? Or because I’ve done it in the past and it was “easy” to get away with? Or is it because I am in a situation where I’m not hiding this side of me and there is permission to explore these feelings openly (“no touching when alone, but you don’t need to hide it”)?

Now bringing it broader. Why am I not the only one? What is drawing others to it (I could direct you to a bunch of different blog posts in the last month that mention a case of urging)? Is it because we live in a society where free will is taken to the ultimate degree; where we are implicitly taught to do what we want and ask forgiveness later? And it’s not just the bi thing. What about the men who urge after women other than their girlfriend or wife? And it’s not just men. There are women who feel the same way. Is it a sexual thing? Is there something that is making us unhappy or unfulfilled?

I know that for me a lot of it does come from being a very sexual person who stays connected to the bi side of myself on a daily basis (the internet primarily, but also living in a city where being comfortable enough to make eye contact with someone you find attractive – male or female – is ok). There are also times when I feel disconnected from SR sexually or otherwise where the urge fills a void. And I have to admit that some of it is the excitement of it all. The unknown. The thrill of the chase. The excitment of something new and unknown. The part of getting to know someone else. And that is something key. It is something I can’t feel with SR all the time. We’ve been together for 10 years. We know each other very well. There is great comfort and a tremendous connection in that. It is one of the things that makes things so special and great. But there is also sometimes when we/me/she can get complacent in the comfort and forget about the excitement. There is also a point where life intervenes. If work/life is too busy for one or both of us we understand. There is no need to rally. We understand. When you are pursuing a sexual relationship (if you can even go so far to call it that) work and general life doesn’t get in the way. Or rather it’s a nice escape for something fun and carefree. You don’t have to explain your whole day and what’s going on. You can just enjoy the moment. For SR and me, we know if the other has had a bad day and we know when it can get in the way. I’m not saying that’s how it should be and maybe we should work harder to make the change. I’m just pointing out the traps it’s easy to get caught in when you’ve been with someone for so long.

But to go back… I also know, on a deeper level, the urging is a function of my personality. There are times when I am feeling insecure or unsure of myself or I get in a situation where I can be destructive in the things that I do. I guess I figure if I feel that all hell is breaking lose why not let it and go out with a bang. This is something I at least now know and am working on being better about.

And then I wonder, when things are really bad, is this what I want. Do I regret not having had the total freedom to explore all this without consideration for someone else? Regret is a dirty word. I don’t regret much. I regret the way I handled the bi side of myself. However I don’t regret meeting and marrying SR. I can’t imagine life without her or being where I am without her. Just the other night we were lying in bed and I was resting my head on her chest and just looking at her. I wasn’t thinking anything I was just there. She said she loved it when I looked at her like that because she knew that I loved her. And she was right. It was a moment exactly like that. Just being happy I was there and she was there. We didn’t need to say or do anything it just was. So I know that i’m not lying to myself; that things are as complicated as they appear.

I feel as though I’ve answered the question of why I urge and then not at all.

Now this is where I hope the interactive aspect of this works. I’m curious what others think of this. Why do some of us in a similar situation as me always think the grass is greener on the other side of things sometimes? Am I over thinking this? If you don’t want to leave a comment email me and I’ll post it separately.

bisexual; bisexuality; swingers; marriage; sex