Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.


There is a common experience that I see run through a number of blogs by other bi married men. There always seems to come a period of time every now and then when there is a strong desire to explore that other side. When I first started exploring the internet for bi support type groups I found a number of yahoo groups. There was often discussion on things coming in waves. That there were times when the bi person in the relationship was content – thus the low part of the wave – and then there were times when all they could think about was being drawn to someone of the same sex – the high point.

I will agree that it does come in waves, but I think there is more to it than that. Coming in waves makes it seem as though there is a natural or even unconscious flow to it. That I wake up one morning and think “Yeah, I could go for some cock today.” Maybe that’s how it happens, but I don’t believe that’s simply it.

What I always try to figure out is what is drawing me in that direction? What’s going on (or not going on) that makes it such an imperative? Because it does become an imperative. That’s why I have jokingly referred to it to others as urging. Man I really urging today. Kinda puts it quite directly.

But see what’s harder for me to grasp is why am I so distinctly drawn to act on it – the urge. It’s not just seeing a good looking guy on the subway, street, tv or whatever. It’s not a casual mental acknowledgment that I’m attracted to men as well. It’s a full on urge to act on those feelings. To find an outlet to explore. And so I wonder – why? Why am I like that? Where is the miswiring? Why is it that when I should be so tremendously content with what I hav,e do I want what I don’t/can’t have? Do I go to the extreme of desiring it so immediately because i’m extremely sexual? Incredibly selfish? A bad person? Or because I’ve done it in the past and it was “easy” to get away with? Or is it because I am in a situation where I’m not hiding this side of me and there is permission to explore these feelings openly (“no touching when alone, but you don’t need to hide it”)?

Now bringing it broader. Why am I not the only one? What is drawing others to it (I could direct you to a bunch of different blog posts in the last month that mention a case of urging)? Is it because we live in a society where free will is taken to the ultimate degree; where we are implicitly taught to do what we want and ask forgiveness later? And it’s not just the bi thing. What about the men who urge after women other than their girlfriend or wife? And it’s not just men. There are women who feel the same way. Is it a sexual thing? Is there something that is making us unhappy or unfulfilled?

I know that for me a lot of it does come from being a very sexual person who stays connected to the bi side of myself on a daily basis (the internet primarily, but also living in a city where being comfortable enough to make eye contact with someone you find attractive – male or female – is ok). There are also times when I feel disconnected from SR sexually or otherwise where the urge fills a void. And I have to admit that some of it is the excitement of it all. The unknown. The thrill of the chase. The excitment of something new and unknown. The part of getting to know someone else. And that is something key. It is something I can’t feel with SR all the time. We’ve been together for 10 years. We know each other very well. There is great comfort and a tremendous connection in that. It is one of the things that makes things so special and great. But there is also sometimes when we/me/she can get complacent in the comfort and forget about the excitement. There is also a point where life intervenes. If work/life is too busy for one or both of us we understand. There is no need to rally. We understand. When you are pursuing a sexual relationship (if you can even go so far to call it that) work and general life doesn’t get in the way. Or rather it’s a nice escape for something fun and carefree. You don’t have to explain your whole day and what’s going on. You can just enjoy the moment. For SR and me, we know if the other has had a bad day and we know when it can get in the way. I’m not saying that’s how it should be and maybe we should work harder to make the change. I’m just pointing out the traps it’s easy to get caught in when you’ve been with someone for so long.

But to go back… I also know, on a deeper level, the urging is a function of my personality. There are times when I am feeling insecure or unsure of myself or I get in a situation where I can be destructive in the things that I do. I guess I figure if I feel that all hell is breaking lose why not let it and go out with a bang. This is something I at least now know and am working on being better about.

And then I wonder, when things are really bad, is this what I want. Do I regret not having had the total freedom to explore all this without consideration for someone else? Regret is a dirty word. I don’t regret much. I regret the way I handled the bi side of myself. However I don’t regret meeting and marrying SR. I can’t imagine life without her or being where I am without her. Just the other night we were lying in bed and I was resting my head on her chest and just looking at her. I wasn’t thinking anything I was just there. She said she loved it when I looked at her like that because she knew that I loved her. And she was right. It was a moment exactly like that. Just being happy I was there and she was there. We didn’t need to say or do anything it just was. So I know that i’m not lying to myself; that things are as complicated as they appear.

I feel as though I’ve answered the question of why I urge and then not at all.

Now this is where I hope the interactive aspect of this works. I’m curious what others think of this. Why do some of us in a similar situation as me always think the grass is greener on the other side of things sometimes? Am I over thinking this? If you don’t want to leave a comment email me and I’ll post it separately.

; ; ; ;


August 29, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. As a bi-sexual married man,I haven’t had bi-sexual(gay?)sex since a year or so before my marriage 20 or so years ago.But I think the same thoughts you are thinking in this post.Why is it(excuse my frankness)that I get such a strong urge to want to suck and lick and enjoy the climax of the male sex organ in my mouth?Why do I want to feel a man in my hand,enjoying pleasing him.Why do I want to rub him all up and down my face until he climaxes?Why do I want to feel rope after rope of him inside me?Why does it excite me so much?I even crave man on man naked sex while watching a ball game.Like you say..this comes and goes.Being gay would be so much easier.I could just out myself and live this…but I enjoy making love to my wife.I love sex with her,and the taste and feel and pleasure we both get when i go down on her.Man…I could never give that up.My feelings of man with man sex is not nearly as strong as my desires for a woman…but I sometimes wonder…if I had been with a man all these years would my desires be reversed..more for a man…less for a woman.

    Comment by Anonymous | August 30, 2006 | Reply

  2. wow. just got caught up on your blog after a week or two away. you’ve had a lot going on! sounds like you’re dealing, though. you always have such a realistic and down-to-earth outlook. there’s no doubt it’s going to work out for the best and you’re going to end up in an even better situation that is even more in line with your own interests. and it’s great that you have sr and all of her support!

    and regarding this post specifically, i can’t speak for anyone but myself, but i seem to be plagued with the whole “grass is greener” syndrome in every aspect of my life, not just sex or relationships. on some level, what i don’t have always tends to look more attractive than what i do have. but i’ve been starting to address this, and actually making a lot of progress. feeling more settled than i’ve felt in a very long time.

    ps–awesome that you finally met ee!

    Comment by P/O | August 30, 2006 | Reply

  3. Earlier this week I sent a friend an e-mail concerning urges which read in part:

    What also feels clear is that while I talk of choices, and yes, I do have choices, in many ways there are no choices. I could make a choice not to see Sam this week but I cannot make a choice about wanting to do it or the fixation that will come if I don’t do it.

    The urgings are there and strangely the more I try to fight them the larger they grow – like most “demons” I suppose.

    Like anonymous I agree it would be easier being straight or gay and like anon I still enjoy (as I recently read) eating at the Y and all sorts of sex with my wife. But I realize that if you put me with a man or a woman I could have great fun either way. But if you put me in between with one or the other for today, it would be the man. And the $64,000 question – man or woman for ever – no backsies. Good thing I don’t do game shows.

    btw – I think my word verification of pmusy is just there to tease me.

    Comment by Nate | August 30, 2006 | Reply

  4. Well, I’m glad im not the only one to feel like this! While im not gay, or a man for that matter, i have been in a stablr relationship for 7 years, and sometimes i just so desparately yearn for someone else to fuck it drives me insane. Does this make me a bad person?? I don’t know, but its not something i can change about myself.
    Ps….love the blog 😉

    Comment by sexy_shell | August 31, 2006 | Reply

  5. Anonymous – what strikes me is the relative descriptions in your comment – a brief description of sex with women and a declaration that it is still your fave. But the description of M2M was detailed, lovingly expressed – quite hot really.

    So I am having trouble reconciling your prose with your conclusions, but I suspect like many of us, you are also.

    Comment by Nate | August 31, 2006 | Reply

  6. It is just that I haven’t had it in a long time…probably like a vegaterian wanting a big mac.I want it so much I can taste it feel it imagine it.Would I give up my whole family for it…no..would I do it if I thought I wouldn’t have to?Fuckin’A,I would.I agree,to rub a hard on up and down my face and put it in my mouth would be quite lovely and hot…maybe that is why I am here…

    Comment by Anonymous | August 31, 2006 | Reply

  7. Anon:
    Honest answer – good luck and hope you did not mind my comments.

    Thanks Raven for the forum.

    Comment by Nate | August 31, 2006 | Reply

  8. No,thank you,Nate.Truth and honesty are in short supply.Thank you,also Raven

    Comment by Anonymous | August 31, 2006 | Reply

  9. This post seems to divide individuals into two groups: those that are monogamous, and those that aren’t. Why can many be satified with just one partner? And others feel the need to have sex with anything breathing? (I do not even begin to understand the answer.)

    However, urge understates the drive for some (OK, for me). It’s more like an obsession, a compulsion, a loss of good judgement. And it’s not even drug induced.

    Like you, Mark, I do not regret my life choices. So, why? why? why?

    Comment by Paul | September 2, 2006 | Reply

  10. And, Nate, I ditto your observations of Anon’s comments.

    And, Anon, I respect your decision to not obsess on some obviously very strong images. No, perhaps you ARE obsessing, but not acting. And I respect that, too.

    Comment by Paul | September 2, 2006 | Reply

  11. I have a few questions,as a bi-sexual male,asking…just asking….How many of you were same sex sexually molested as a child?and how many of you have at least two older brothers?

    Comment by Anonymous | September 3, 2006 | Reply

  12. Paul – I agree that urge is too weak a word for what is for me clearly a compulsion.

    I was not molested – not sure where that came from- and have no older brothers which I assume comes from the 60 Minutes I have not seen but heard about.

    I do not buy into either of those theories and think there is a lot of hard wiring going on.

    Comment by Nate | September 3, 2006 | Reply

  13. I am the thrird boy in my family,and I was molested by first my neighborhood boys(they were highschool I was first grade)and then by my older brothers and cousins….by I found I liked the attention that jacking off and blowing older boys gave me.soon I was blowing my brothers for comic books and my cousins for if I lost playing board games(I always lost).I found I liked dick and all that came with it.I lost my virginity at 13 still to see if I was gay…I found I also liked pussy and all that went with it as well.During my highschool yars I would only have M@M sex when I was jonesing(sort of like a alcoholic will drink rubbing alcohol when there is nothing else),but that does not mean I did not enjoy it,only that that was my excuse to get it.I still like dick/i still like pussy.I haven’t had dick in a while..and sometimes there is allot of baggage that goes along with getting it…but I sure have a hackering for giving a a nice sized guy some good head

    Comment by Anonymous | September 4, 2006 | Reply

  14. […] had any kind of good fucking. The more I think about it I kinda feel myself starting on that quick surge on the urge wave. Things have been busy and my focus has been elsewhere that I’m really feeling the need to […]

    Pingback by I Need It Bad « Defending the Raven | August 13, 2008 | Reply

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