Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.


Paul made an interesting comment on my last post about how it’s great that SR and I communicate so well. Ok, so I have a deep, dark secret to reveal. Prepare yourselves!

Our best communicating is usually done through e-mail or instant messaging. In fact, on Sunday we were on the couch in our living room watching TV on separate laptops sending each other e-mails going over things. She called me on being too obsessed with finding someone to hook-up with through an emial. We didn’t discuss it in person, but through exchanging messages. We both know it’s a little weird.

Now I’m sure some of you will probably think this is incredibly dysfunctional. However, it is the best thing for us. First of all it immediately removes any of the overly emotional elements that can tend to come out if we talk. It let’s us both fully figure out what we need to say to each other without misspeaking or being interrupted. Also, SR is an incredible debater and while I have no problem in arguments in general, for some reason I’m at a total loss with her. I suppose that’s because 99% of the time she’s always right.

But at the end of the day what is best about communicating in the way we do is that it is safe. We both know that if something is up or bothering us we can say it in an e-mail. It also gives the other person time to react and put some thought into things. It completely difuses any of the anger, hurt, or other emotions that can get in the way. That’s not to say that some of our emails are not passionate or unfeeling. It’s just that in person there is so much more to react to that can get us off course from what’s really going on.

The best part is that we work the difficult parts out in email and get to enjoy the positive part of reaffirming things in person. It often leads to little knowing smiles, some hugging or even sex. Ultimately, the most important thing is that we find a way to work it out and this way works best for us.

; ; ; ;


June 27, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I must admit the whole IM’ng thing has been fantastic for me too this past go around; in terms of communicating with the guy I was dating.

    Ok, so, when you and I IM each other, will that lead to some good stuff too??? ๐Ÿ˜‰
    And, will the wife AND the g/f get jealous???

    Comment by e.e. | June 27, 2006 | Reply

  2. It could. August is coming ๐Ÿ˜‰

    You know the reasons the wife won’t get jealous ๐Ÿ˜‰

    As far as the gf goes… well she does understand that she we are geographically undesirable for each other. I suspect there would be some slight jealousy, but there’s nothing I can do to prevent that.

    Why is it that in my electronic life women just flock to me, but in real life they never did/do? hmmmmm… maybe a post for the future.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | June 27, 2006 | Reply

  3. Before my relationship with Dane, I probably would’ve thought this whole “working things out through e-mail” was a bit odd, but seeing as it’s one of the only ways we have to comminicate with each other, I totally understand.

    And honestly, whatever works for the both of you is the best thing regardless of what anyone else thinks.

    Comment by SD | June 28, 2006 | Reply

  4. At first I was going to say, “the use of email — while you both are sitting on the same couch — may be unique, but I don’t necessarily consider it dysfunctinal.”

    However, from the comments above, I guess I’ve got to say, “everyone else is doing it, so why not you?”

    Just don’t resort to one of my peeves: seeing two people at the same table in a restaurant talking to each other on cell phones.

    Comment by Paul | June 28, 2006 | Reply

  5. I guess I am just old, but the in the same apartment at the same time is too much for me. But I do get the concept. There are mornings I will e-mail KA from work on a point. Eventually we do end up speaking. Our variation is our best talks are in bed at night in the dark – not a sexual thing – but a variant on not seeing each other, having a space in the dark to respond. Really not so different then you are doing after all.

    Comment by Nate | June 29, 2006 | Reply

  6. I just wanted to say how much I have enjoyed your blog. I find the whole idea of ‘arguing’ or working issues out over email/im bery interesting. just goes to show the wonders of modern technology…even the marital spat isnt safe ๐Ÿ˜‰ my only concern is that i find myself sometimes misunderstood in that, while i am articulate, its hard to convey the correct tone sometimes. but a great idea just the same. Now ifonly i could teach my partner to use a computer ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Comment by sexy_shell | June 29, 2006 | Reply

  7. Funny…my stepdaughter and her friend would be in the same house and instead of playing together, would be on their respective computers.

    But in your case, you have the additional nuance of face to face communication and know each other’s voices and hearts.

    Comment by Viviane | July 8, 2006 | Reply

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