Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

No Post — Just a Long Comment

So Life Ajar had another post that resonated with me. I posted a VERY long comment on it so I’m repeating it here. Make sure you read his post first.

My wife and I have the same situation. Like you and your wife, she and I have different approaches to sex — or rather in our case I have multple approaches to sex.

My wife on the other hand is more passive, more submissive. Those aren’t exactly thebest words, but the easiest. By being passive I don’t mean uninterested, but rather she doesn’t take the initiative or won’t be the one in the driver’s seat. By submissive I mean that she enjoys being directed and taken and even taken a little roughly (the way you described fucking your wife is something mine would love).

I on the other hand have such a varied approach to things. Sometimes I want to just take control and not care what the other wants in the moment. Other times I want to be tender and passionate and spend an hour just kissing and caressing. Then there are times when I wish I could just be tied up and used. Or just be fucked. You and I are both in that mode right now. And this is where my wife and I have issues (which I think are similar to yours).

It took a lot of conversations for me to get my wife to understand that there is a difference between making love and fucking. And that just because we’re married doesn’t mean that sometimes we can’t just fuck. We don’t have to be all gentle and kissy-kissy and such every time. I think it took exploring with others for her to realize this. That having some guy just fuck her was as fun and exicitng as something more tender and loving. And I think it clicked with her that she could get both — from me.

However, where things still are a struggle is for her to take a more active role, especially in terms of taking care of me. I know that one part of it is the “ick” factor of ass play. But I think the bigger issue is the hang-up that she has where she thinks that she won’t be able to satisfy what I want or that what I really want is a guy. We’ve slowly incorporated toys into things. For the most part it have been me pleasuring myself with her in a less active role. However, I want more from her. I want her in control of it. I want her to learn what I like and to push me to places that I might back away from when I’m in control (yes, some of that was meant quite literally). But I suppose the biggest thing for me is that I want her to fulfill that desire and need I have. I want her to have the satisfaction of having made me feel that way. And I want it to be her. I want us to both be satisfied with the fact that I’m exhausted and breathing heavy and every part of my body is twitching. I want to feel the same way she does when I’ve made her feel great from fucking her. I’ve told her this, but something jsut hasn’t clicked. That the way that I can make her feel when I fuck her is the same thing I can feel and want to feel. Which is where I think the hang-ups come in.

I try really hard not to get upset or disappointed about things because I know that a lot of it is style and how we approach sex as individuals. It has taken almost two years of frustration and disappointment and difficult conversations, but we are making progress. I’m realizing that what I need to do is take the first step for her and then usually she’ll take it from there. So while I might have to pull the dildo out and start myself, she’s begun to take over. Now I’m thinking about buying the strap-on and seeing what happens.


April 14, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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