Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Permission to Urge

Nate had an interesting post on Wednesday that I couldn’t help writing about. He has been talking about a business trip he will be taking to Chicago and the potential for setting up a “date” or otherwise. The part that struck me most was this:

Whether it comes to pass that Chicago includes a “date” and/or gay sex, the simple fact is when the opportunity came to me, I went for it, a fact no backspace key can change. Heck, I jumped at it, with a smile. And that terrifies me.

The thing is that he and I are in similar situations. We both have wives who know we are bi and are understanding to a point. We both have also had solo experiences with other men that our wives did and did not know about.

Now let me backtrack a little. Back in what I refer to as the “Dark Days,” those four months in 2004 when I was exploring my bi-ness and cheating on SR. While I stil went out and did it there was great apprehension about being careful and the “what ifs” if she found out. I’d go through times when I’d try to just shut that part down and fool myself into thinking this wasn’t really a part of me.

However, now that we are completely open there is no need to suppress things or hide them. I can make a stupid comment about how the bartender at the bar we had lunch at on Saturday afternoon was cute (He really was. And he was making lots of eye contact with me. And he had a ring on the 4th finger of his left hand. So of course my mind goes into overdrive, however, I digress, but completely). Sure she might roll her eyes or get slightly annoyed (like she did on Saturday, gave me the look of why ruin our nice day bonding by bringing that up. I blame the three beers), but there is no shame in having the thoughts.

There is also no shame in being playful and flirtatious with guys online either. I check out various sites from time to time and flirt. I’m sure I’ve taken things further then SR would like, but never to the point of meeting someone. Plus it’s always not flirting for me alone. I will admit to “using” SR in a way as well. However, those are also the mostly scenarios so never know when something interesting will actually pan out.

However, here is the thing with things being so open and honest with SR — there is none of the guilt associated with it. So with that comes this tacit permission to urge. And by that I mean that I feel like it’s ok for me to feel the sexual urges for men. That by being open, SR has allowed me to explore them. And that is what I think Nate is feeling about going so far with things and feeling that it was frighteningly easy to get caught up in the idea of a date; there is none of the fear of getting caught or guilt that usually came up immediately in the past. I feel it sometimes too and see myself falling right into the trap of old habits. However, I stop myself before I truly go too far because I don’t have SR’s permission. And to think the I do is completely asinine (gosh I love that word. I love words who’s pronunciation give the definition).


April 7, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. The thing is I am in a strange warp where KA is almost encouraging me to do something in Chicago — She assumes I am not done with my exploration and that it has a component that is more than just sex.

    She wants stability back in her life and feels that until I reach a certain point that cannot happen. I think she is more worried that I will still be “figuring” out who I am in a year or two then she is about anything in Chicago next month.

    Comment by Nate | April 8, 2006 | Reply

  2. Nate, I can understand your wife’s feelings. My personality is one that craves stability. Waiting for Ben to figure out what he needs and whether or not I can give it to him is the worst part of this whole situation, by far, from my point of view. I would be willing to give him “permission” to do just about anything right now, if it meant he would get to a point where he knew exactly what he wanted and what was open to compromise. And yet, I know there is no way to rush this process. What he needs more than anything is time and space and freedom to work things out. But at least there is honesty and openness in our relationship, now. And I hope, at the same time, some lightening of his shame and guilt, as well.

    Comment by K | April 9, 2006 | Reply

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