Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Wife Speaks

Got this anonymous comment on a post last week:

I am wife of bi guy and found the article by accident. It was very interesting. My take on my husband is that he is more gay than bi. I think that each couple that finds themselves in this situation should evaluate their own personal situation and seek counsel from someone who is a professional. Email groups do not always give the best advice. But I see now that there are a lot of us out there in this situation and I would guess that there are many many more.

I’ve been sitting on it for a while because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say if I wanted to say anything at all. I guess the greatest thing about it for me is that it is the wife of a bi married guy. There are plenty of blogs out there by the bi married guy, but none by the wife of a bi married guy who actually talk about the issue. I guess I kinda feel like the conversation is often one-sided out here. And the commenter above is right, there are lots of groups out there for the spouse of the bi/gay person. SR found them very soon after I told her I was bi. However, she didn’t find much solace in them because often the people on there were bitter and hurt and venting out — completely justified, but not exactly what SR was looking for.

So why is it that there aren’t more of the wives (or husbands because I know there are husbands who have learned that their wives were bi or lesbian as well) out there talking about it more. Sure I have SR and online girlfriend to talk to and I get their perspectives often and quite clearly. And it’s been helpful to hear it because it has grounded me and kept the selfish side of from talking over. Realizing that while I have the desire, it doesn’t mean I have the right to explore it. Bet you’re saying to yourself “Um, duh, Mark, you’re married that was part of the deal all around.” True, but not claiming that the selfish side is the rational side either.

I guess the point of this post is to day thank you to whoever it was that posted that comment. And I hope you will keep doing it.


March 22, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I would think for the wife wouldn’t be hard to stay in a relationship if the husband was more gay than bi? I don’t understand stuff, but I do find it odd that most bi-sexual blogs are by men and very few by women. Are more men bisexual than women or just more men open about it? I wonder if they have statistics?

    Comment by Defining David | March 23, 2006 | Reply

  2. I think a huge factor is the very fact that if a woman is bisexual, it is not “usually” such a big deal for the husband (ummm… hello, every man’s fantasy, right???)…. BUT, when the man declares he is bisexual in a marriage, it would seem to me that this is not exactly a common fantasy for a woman … thus the issue for woman becomes more emotional than sexual in said case.
    Additionally, since a lot of women are more insecure than men, it makes a marriage all the more complicated…. for some reason, the sexual and emotional dynamics are increased if a bi man seeks another bi relationship outside his marriage. The gay factor comes into play here as well…The wife begins to feel she may be unfullfilling the husband’s needs, etc…
    Go here for some interesting thoughts:

    But then again, as Mark has said many times, the same theories often apply in standard heterosexual relationships.
    The insecurities are there as well, and the potential ‘unfullfillment’ and ‘trust’ issues can be found in any dynamic relationship….

    Comment by e.e. | March 23, 2006 | Reply

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