Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

3:00 a.m.

What do you do when it’s 3:00 a.m. and you can’t sleep? If you’re SR you decide to roll over and snuggle your husband and gently start to stroke his cock, waking him from his half slumber, and embarking on what would be an hour of playing.

And this came on the tail end of what had been a very difficult 36 hours. I’ve been pretty clear in other posts this week that I was looking forward to reconnecting with SR and getting things back in order after a hectic end of 2005. Well, that got off to a very rocky start.

For those who have been reading along you know that our sex life has always been a point of issue for us that we are still working on. I have a very high, always on sex drive. While SR is much more average in her drive. Some might say she has a low sex drive, but that is also because, as a general rule, she is much more passive/submissive, which requires me to take the active role of initiator. I also want to be much more adventurous in our explorations alone together and while she isn’t reluctant she doesn’t active promote them either.

On Wednesday night these things came to a head and we had the most awful sexual experience together, which I suppose couldn’t be called sexual and ended up with a very difficult and rough conversation. We both were very open and raw in how we were feeling about things in general when it comes to sex between us. SR was VERY upset and the conversation ended with her asking “Are we gonna be ok?” It scared the crap out of me because in the moment my honest answer was “I don’t know” even though I said yes (though ultimately I knew that was the right answer).

Basically it came down to fearing that maybe we weren’t sexually compatible. Maybe because we were so different in our approaches and our general orientation to things, we just didn’t mesh correctly. There are things that are just so different in how we are that it sometimes feels like work to get anywhere, and that’s exactly what happened on Wednesday night.

I woke up on Thursday feeling terrible. We have been through so much and have dealt with so much and have come to such a great place on so many levels that the one thing that kinda helped get all the other stuff in motion (my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with our sex life) was still there and not dealt with. We’ve made incredible strides in lots of ways in learning more about each other sexually, but the basic issues were/are still there.

My biggest frustration is that SR’s answer to things is that “that’s just the way I am.” I can accept that on one hand, but on the other I feel like it’s not good enough. I know that she has tried and made attempts to be different in her approach to things (the beginning of this post is the most recent example), but I still struggle with feeling like there is something she is holding back. That there is something else there that makes her “just the way [she is].”

While Wednesday night was incredibly painful and hurtful in many ways (we were bluntly honest with each other on many things), ultimately I think they helped. In talking a over im yesterday (though the conversations were one-sided because she wrote while I was drooling over Harry Connick, Jr. and I wrote to her while she was in a meeting) we both came to realization that we were each thinking too much about all of it. We know we have our issues and in knowing them we are each trying too hard to make sure the other is ok and not just being in the moment. It’s also funny because we don’t have these issues when others are involved because we’re not entirely focused on worrying about the other one because the dynamic is different. And there are those times when we are so on and into each other that we do push the boundaries. I realized though that that is not how its gonna be every time even if that’s what I want so in forcing it or desiring it that is also putting pressure on us.

There is still talking that we need to do because there are still things that I think we need to work out. However, I think we need to make it not so serious but rather more playful and in the moment. There are so many other times when we click so perfectly and things are amazing, but those are not the normal days. We need to relax and just enjoy each other and learn to work with each other in the way that we each are and hopefully slowly change together in ways that will make our experiences together all the more better (pardon my bad grammar).

p.s. thanks for being there PD. thanks for your important perspective K.


January 13, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I can understand where you’re coming from. ExBF and I just did not have the same ideas about sex. He liked to just lay there. He liked it really vanilla. I wanted to fuck like porn stars — try new positions, get sucked off once in a while instead of just sucking him. I can’t believe I went 3.5 years without getting rimmed…

    Comment by HistoryDetective | January 13, 2006 | Reply

  2. hang in there, Mark.

    Hang in there. I am thinking of you, and hoping all will be okay. You are right… you have made great strides together, you have come a long way and perhaps things are so over-thought right now that you just need a break from it all.
    It will be okay.

    Comment by e.e. | January 14, 2006 | Reply

  3. My thoughts are with you. It’s not Harry Connick, but 40+ years ago Pual Simon also asked what you do at 3 AM:

    I can hear the soft breathing
    Of the girl that I love,
    As she lies here beside me
    Asleep with the night,
    And her hair, in a fine mist
    Floats on my pillow,
    Reflecting the glow
    Of the winter moonlight.

    She is soft, she is warm,
    But my heart remains heavy,
    And I watch as her breasts
    Gently rise, gently fall,
    For I know with the first light of dawn
    I’ll be leaving,
    And tonight will be
    All I have left to recall.

    Oh, what have I done,
    Why have I done it,
    I’ve committed a crime,
    I’ve broken the law.
    For twenty-five dollars
    And pieces of silver,
    I held up and robbed
    A hard liquor store.

    My life seems unreal,
    My crime an illusion,
    A scene badly written
    In which I must play.
    Yet I know as I gaze
    At my young love beside me,
    The morning is just a few hours away.

    SIMON & GARFUNKEL – “Wednesday Morning, 3 A.M.” lyrics

    Good luck

    Comment by Bibydays | January 15, 2006 | Reply

  4. Sorry I couldn’t be more there…you know I am be when I can. But I’m glad you’re working on things.

    Comment by Perfekt Dad | January 22, 2006 | Reply

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