Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.


I know I’ve blogged about this before sometime (I’m not looking it up, it’s not important) and I know that others have blogged about it (I’m not looking it up, it’s not important). However, in conversations with an online friend who I’ve recently been chatting pretty regularly with (thanks to technological upgrades on his part), I wanted to write about things that I said to him that I thought I’d share with the group. They are not highly developed thoughts, but thoughts nonetheless.

The person I’ve been talking to is bi and married like me. His wife knows and they have been talking through all the issues that are likely to come up with this kind of revelation in a marriage. It seems that the general tone is highly positive, but like in my own circumstances there are ups and downs as well as steps backwards in progress made.

In the course of the conversation that he and I had the question came up about what would happen if SR told me that there could no longer be any extra-curricular explorations. This is a conversation that she and I have flirted with, but always tabled as a down the road when our life circumstances changed. I’m not entirely sure how I’d answer that question because 1) I don’t have to right now and 2) I suppose it would depend on why it was changing. However, I know that for SR the answer would be easy, “That’s fine.” Now there could be plenty of ways I’d explain it, but in the conversation I was having the question of whether our wives were more monogamus than us came up.

Sure we could have talked about whether we as humans are built to be monogamus. But that doesn’t interest me because there is never gonna be a final answer. There are very solid arguments on either side of the debate too. What’s more important is answering the question for myself.

I see myself as monogamus. Whoa! Wait, you say! Look at all the evidence on this to the contrary. Yes, I have sex with other people, but here’s what I mean. I can divide monogamy into sexual monogamy and relationship monogamy. I don’t want to share my life and all that I am with anyone else but SR. She gets me. Makes me a better man and I’ve never felt so connected to a person in my life ever. Plus I truly enjoy sex with her as well in ways I haven’t with others. I am so turned on by her and in so many ways — it’s the complete package. HOWEVER, I have other sexual desires that I enjoy exploring as well that she can’t fulfill. Do I NEED to explore them? Maybe not, but, as I said, it’s kind of a moot point since I already have and do enjoy them (especially when shared with her).

I don’t want there to be a misconception that because I desire and enjoy sex with others or desire or enjoy sex with men, that I desire my wife any less. In many ways exploring all of these things has increased and refined my desire and attraction to my wife. In being comfortable with myself sexually I can be free to be open with her. Sure there are plenty of times (like last night) where things go weird and “we are out of sync,” but in the past that would lead to days or weeks of resentment and frustration. We’ve gotten that down to about 10 minutes at the max.

This also touches on our whole orientation to the exploration with others. As I’ve mentioned this many, many times over we see it all as an extension of our own sex life. Even on those random times when one of us is out on our own it’s still about us. It’s something we do together both fully understanding what it’s about and what will transpire. And that is where the monogamy clicks in. We’re not off randomly fucking around with other people to explore our sexuality… we’re doing it together as part of our relationship. That migth expand the definition of monogamy for some, beyond what they are comfortable, but it’s what works for me.

Certainly our circumstances will change over time. In many ways they already have in the 17 months since it all came out. But that is the nature of all relationships. They evolve and develop over time. Where problems come in for some people is when they fight the changes. I’m not saying one needs to accept every change, but you at least have to show up to the negotiating table willing to work it out.


January 5, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. Great post, Mark. Thank you.

    Comment by Ben | January 5, 2006 | Reply

  2. Agreed.

    Show up willing to work it out.
    Why is it I seem to learn SO much from someone so much younger than I?

    Comment by e.e. | January 6, 2006 | Reply

  3. I just discovered your blog. Wanted to add thoughts to monogamy. I’m a 51 yr old bi, married male.
    My wife figured out (along with me on some level) that I was bi around 12 years ago and after toying with 3-somes that never happened she told me to find a guy when I was on a business trip. I did and had fun. We discussed it – she wanted to know everything but his name and if we kissed – but a few weeks later had “buyers remorse” and asked I not continue.

    I remained faithful to her request until a few months ago (circumstances not relevant here) when she decided I needed to “do this” but with a don’t ask don’t tell policy.

    If she said now not to do again stop, I am honestly not sure what I would do.

    Comment by Bibydays | January 10, 2006 | Reply

  4. bibydays,
    welcome to club I guess is the only appropriate way to start things out. Certainly welcome your comments and insights. Feel free to be as candid as you like.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | January 10, 2006 | Reply

  5. Nice post. I’m sure I agree with it all, but nice post. And great comment from bibydays.

    Comment by Perfekt Dad | January 11, 2006 | Reply

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