Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Have I Said Too Much

Sorry, I’ve been quiet this week. Hoping to get one more post in tomorrow before heading out of town for Turkey Day. You can all blame P/O and some really great conversation over e-mail for taking up my time wasting during the day. Though in his defense he did say he didn’t want to be blamed for me not blogging and he cracked the whip (no, he’s not into S&M — that I’m aware of).

This blog is gonna be other bloggers heavy, but in a way that kinda helps make the point.

Had an interesting Friday night. SR and I spent a quiet, relaxing night in. It was a nearly perfect evening until… Late in the evening, PerfektDad e-mailed me late in the night about something. He can get into it on his own blog if he wants to, but I don’t think he will. I should have just responded to the e-mail, but then I signed online to see if he was still around because I thought it might be good to chat. We ended up getting to chat a little, but SR kinda got really mad at me because I couldn’t talk to him while she was over my shoulder. She got upset because it comes down to her not understanding why I talk to other people online, virtual strangers. She also made the point that there are some people who she knows that I don’t know well that she’d have no problem with me reading a conversation over her shoulder. Part of it was because I was a little embarassed because it wasn’t a “real” life friend, but also because I shared PD’s blog with her at some point and she had issues with him and his story. At the time she didn’t get him, but understood why I might want to talk with him.

It’s not that she doesn’t trust me — she said as much on Friday– she just doesn’t get why I need to talk to people online. Why not have real friends? It’s hard because so much of it has steemed from my blog and people knowing all about me. Most people in my “real” life don’t. And it’s not like I can go randomly meet new friends. And, with the exception of P/O, those I have connected with online are too far away. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to bring P/O up because it would be cool to hang out sometime, but then I get worried. Then there is E-E planning a trip to nyc. It sounds nice in theory and SR has chatted with her some a looooooooong time ago, but still I know E-E much better than SR does. As much as this is something I don’t hide from SR it just is something that I can’t easily natrually share with her.

P/O brought up a good point:

“Honestly, from SR’s perspective, is there really that big of a difference between you sharing parts of yourself with real flesh-and-blood friends vs. online acquaintances? Either way, you’re sharing things with people other than her, right? Which is a normal and essential part of any relationship, I would think. We all need outlets other than our partners, right? At least, I always have”

He’s right I do enjoy the outlet of sharing with others. And think it would be great to connect with someone in person who I (and her) could become friends with. I know that sometimes I can get out of control in my chatting, but the people I do talk with regularly (and there are only three) I enjoy. I enjoy the exchange and the outlet of it.

I don’t want to feel like I’m cheating because I’m sharing with others, but I truly think, in a way, that’s how she feels. I understand that, but I don’t know how to make it right with her or explain something this is really just a visceral reaction.


November 22, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. nope, no real s&m proclivities here. 🙂

    Comment by P/O | November 22, 2005 | Reply

  2. DAMN.

    No S&M? …then I don’t want to meet you after all, p/o… 😉

    Comment by E-E | November 22, 2005 | Reply

  3. I understand how sharing with others can almost feel like cheating…I’ve felt that way sometimes too…but I have other issues involved.

    I also really relate to P/O’s comment that “we all need outlets other than our partners.” And sometimes I suppose those outlets can make us closer to our partners. Smart guy that P/O.

    Comment by Perfekt Dad | November 23, 2005 | Reply

  4. P/O hit the proverbial nail on the head when he said […we all need outlets other than our partners…]. And it would be ideal if when we explained this need to our partner, they accepted it for what it is rather than feeling slighted (for lack of a better word) by our openness with others.

    Because (and I’m assuming here) SR doesn’t feel the same need to be open with other people that she considers “virtual strangers”, she’s having a hard time accepting that you do. And when you don’t fully share the aspects of these relationships you’ve developed with her, it makes acceptance that much harder for her to achieve.

    There is no easy solution that I can think of other than letting her know that if the roles were reversed, you’d understand, accept and embrace her need to have friendships (virtual or otherwise) that do not directly involve you.

    Comment by SD | November 23, 2005 | Reply

  5. SD,
    See the thing is that I think SR does want/need other outlets as well. I think it would be very good for her to have more girls nights out and even ones that are a little more sexually charged. She’s talked about going out with the woman of our bi couple friend, but nothing seems to materialize. Maybe it’s a little jealousy that I have other outlets, but I don’t think that’s it really.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | November 23, 2005 | Reply

  6. No, not so much jealousy, Mark, more feeling slighted. She loves you and because she does she wants to be a part, in some small way, of everything you’re a part of but in this instance she can’t be because you won’t share all of it with her so it pisses her off.

    Or then again, I could be way off base. Woman, I can attest, are fickle and extremely comlicated creatures.

    God love us.

    Comment by SD | November 23, 2005 | Reply

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