Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

It’s Not For Everyone

Work has calmed down somewhat so I can finally comment on The New Monogamy article that I posted at the beginning of the week. For those of you who know my story you know this article has true ressonace for me and SR because it how we are living in a way. We choose to include others in our own sex life from time to time. We don’t meet with others on our own really, but that has happened in the past when it’s been discussed and arranged mutually, and it could happen again in the future. There are plentyof things that I could say about the article and how it applies to Us, but that’s not the point I want to make. The point I want to make is that the article made an important point… the authors of the article understood things to a point, but then they didn’t. They may have been able to entertain the idea, but it wasn’t for them.

And that’s key. There are plenty of people who probably look at my situation and don’t understand me or understand my wife. They might think we’re fooling ourselves and are completely dillusional. They might think that we’re making a mockery or our wedding vows and the institution of marriage. And that’s fine with me because it’s not for everyone.

For it to work BOTH people need to buy into it. Want to explore outside of the core relationship. Often times we’ve met people in our exploring where it was clear that one of the people was doing it for the other. That’s not cool. There is always a reluctance on the other person’s part. We’re more comfortable with people in a relationship where one person is giving the other permission to explore externally. At least there is a mutual agreement on the terms. But if on partner is going along with things because they think the other wants them to… that’s off.

Furthermore, there are some people who are jealous and the emotional effort involved in allowing others to join you is huge. SR and I had lots of converstaions about things, and how it would work. A very important thing for us is that we view any exploring we do (even those rare cases when we go out alone) as an extension of our own sex life together. It’s our way to explore things we can’t together and meet new people. But at the core of it — it’s about us. It’s something we share in together. While I may do all the initial contacting with people, SR has complete veto power. If she doesn’t like the vibe, interests, even looks of a person we don’t meet with them. If we meet someone and we’re not clicking we don’t go any further. But even with all that said it works for us because neither of us is a very jealous person by nature. We don’t get upset seeing the other with someone else. In fact it excites us. We enjoy it. Some people can’t handle that.

It has also made it possible for us to learn a lot about each other sexually. It has helped to open our relationship between us. Because this type of exploring requires lots of communication, we’ve been able to talk things out much more than we did in the past. And this is themost important thing. In order for it to work the core relationship always has tobe the core. It always has to be the part where full honesty, openness, and communication happen. When that doesn’t happen we get in trouble… and others will too.

The article is interesting and I’m gald it was done. At the very least maybe it will get people talking about the other desires. It’s ok, and in fact I think, quite healthy for people to have other desires. It’s how you deal with it. If you’re oogling the other woman or man at the expense of the person you’re with — BAD! If you’re comparing that person to the one your with and wish they were like that — BAD! If you step out and act on the urge and desire — WORST OF ALL! But if you can be open and playful with each other then it canbe fun and lead to fun things. There’s no harm in your partner finding other people attractive. It’s all quite natural. But if you’re gonnabe dysfunctional about it and get jealous because they are even looking it’s time to open your mind a little.


November 17, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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