Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Comments — The New Monogamy

So I know that some people don’t always click through to read other people’s comments so I wanted to bring these to the top level because they are worth reading:

At November 15, 2005 10:36 PM, Emerald-Eyes said…

wow. Mark. The article was truly enlightening, but not altogether surpising, considering a few things I’ve noted as I’ve been blogging:
1) more and more couples are indeed ‘coming out’ and expanding there relationships, and blogging about it…
2) more and more individuals WITHIN a couple are expanding their horizons, and blogging about it
3) said individuals might not necessarily be making thier significant other happy about what they are doing, thus, blogging about it
4) some couples just cannot survive such turmoil… change for better or worse.. And if they can’t, should they be together to begin with?

#4 is a VERY interesting question. But read on.
At November 17, 2005 6:10 AM, Deidre said…

Enlightening to say the least!

I’ve lived within several positions referred to in the article. I’ve been in “monogamous” relationships (that almost always had infidelity laced throught them) and I’ve entertained a triad lifefstyle. Which had its own share of problems attached to it as well. I’ll even go as far as to say that I see advantages to being in a poly lifestyle.

Currently, I’m single by choice. I have multiple relationships that are always evolving and changing and I like it that way. I’m straight forward with who I am “attached” to and they know they are not “the only” one(s) in my life. I don’t flaunt them to each other but I definitely don’t play the word games of “you’re the only one.”

For me, how I am living in the here and now works. Where do I fit within the articles account? I don’t know exactly.

All I know is that relationships (however they are based) require alot of work & dedication; and communication (as corny as it may sound) is key.

The communication has to be built on total truths though. I’ve learned (by the mistakes of my past) that you can’t settle or negotiate things within yourself. You first have to be totally honest with what YOU need, feel, want and desire. Only then can you give that same honesty to someone else. And for me, I’ve found that when I’ve set all the cards face up on the table…I came out winning instead of losing (which is the fear that most people face when they expose themselves).

I’m sure my way of thinking wouldn’t set right with alot of people, known and unknown to me…but in the end, I can only walk this path in my own shoes, and they in theirs.

(Just one woman’s thoughts on “The New (not so new but tweaked to fit the times) Monogamy”)

– Deidre

The part I bolded is vital. It was the biggest and primary hurdle that SR and I had to get over. She was concerned that maybe I was just gay and that I was with her because I didn’t want to admit it. It went further because she thought that I had convinced myself that I loved her because I wanted it. Being honest with yourself first is the most important thing. Once you can go that, then you have to be honest with your partner. This goes beyond even thinking about expanding your exploring to others.

So to answer E’s question. Maybe a relationship that can’t survive exploring with others wouldn’t have survived anyway, BUT it’s probably because the people involved weren’t being honest with themselves first and their partner as well. So maybe it was doomed to fail anyway, but I’d hate to think either of them woudl think it was because of the exploring with others beyond themselves. It would be doing a disservice to themselves and their future relationships.


November 17, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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