Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.


The new edition of New York magazine arrived yesterday and the cover story is all about sex and relationships. However, the most interesting article is The New Monogamy. I have plenty to comment on, but not lots of time right now (work is kicking my ass, but in a good way). The article will give you great insight into how things work for SR and me.



November 15, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. Interesting. Will have to click over and read before I ready your responses to it.

    Comment by Defining David | November 15, 2005 | Reply

  2. wow. Mark. The article was truly enlightening, but not altogether surpising, considering a few things I’ve noted as I’ve been blogging:
    1) more and more couples are indeed ‘coming out’ and expanding there relationships, and blogging about it…
    2) more and more individuals WITHIN a couple are expanding their horizons, and blogging about it
    3) said individuals might not necessarily be making thier significant other happy about what they are doing, thus, blogging about it
    4) some couples just cannot survive such turmoil… change for better or worse.. And if they can’t, should they be together to begin with?

    Comment by E-E | November 16, 2005 | Reply

  3. I need to add to this:
    In the article, it discusses:

    “Even if people can do it, that doesn’t guarantee them eternal love: Is the open relationship really about freedom, or is it about competition, wishful thinking, controlling cheating, rebelliousness for the sake of being different, or passive-aggressive punishment?”

    Wow. Lots to ponder, that.

    “But then, the same could be said of monogamy, which can derive from equally suspect motives. Maybe it’s not sex that makes or breaks a couple, after all… maybe it’s the … willingness to change their minds about what fidelity means….“An open relationship doesn’t just mean you’re open to sex with other people,” says Siege. “It means you’re open to changes in the relationship, too.” …”


    Don’t I wish I had a lot more of this information at my fingertips years ago.

    And, don’t I wish I could communicate better, and have my past boyfriends communicate with me better, our wants and needs.
    Is is controlled cheating?
    Or a better understanding of each other in the end?
    And will this type of relationship survive???

    I’m rooting for it.

    Comment by E-E | November 16, 2005 | Reply

  4. Enlightening to say the least!

    I’ve lived within several positions referred to in the article. I’ve been in “monogamous” relationships (that almost always had infidelity laced throught them) and I’ve entertained a triad lifefstyle. Which had its own share of problems attached to it as well. I’ll even go as far as to say that I see advantages to being in a poly lifestyle.

    Currently, I’m single by choice. I have multiple relationships that are always evolving and changing and I like it that way. I’m straight forward with who I am “attached” to and they know they are not “the only” one(s) in my life. I don’t flaunt them to each other but I definitely don’t play the word games of “you’re the only one.”

    For me, how I am living in the here and now works. Where do I fit within the articles account? I don’t know exactly.

    All I know is that relationships (however they are based) require alot of work & dedication; and communication (as corny as it may sound) is key.

    The communication has to be built on total truths though. I’ve learned (by the mistakes of my past) that you can’t settle or negotiate things within yourself. You first have to be totally honest with what YOU need, feel, want and desire. Only then can you give that same honesty to someone else. And for me, I’ve found that when I’ve set all the cards face up on the table…I came out winning instead of losing (which is the fear that most people face when they expose themselves).

    I’m sure my way of thinking wouldn’t set right with alot of people, known and unknown to me…but in the end, I can only walk this path in my own shoes, and they in theirs.

    (Just one woman’s thoughts on “The New (not so new but tweaked to fit the times) Monogamy”)

    – Deidre

    Comment by Deidre | November 17, 2005 | Reply

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