Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.


I had some reservations about writing this post, at first, but then decided to go ahead because I imagine this is a common thread in many relationships.

I have mentioned that there were previous dysfunctions in the sexual relationship that SR and I had. Most of it centered around her seeming lack of interest in sex and my seemingly over interest in sex. There were also issues over what we both wanted to do and things we liked that we didn’t discuss, but the root was always that we didn’t have sex enough to discuss them.

For those of you who are regular readers you’ll also know that it had been about three months since we did any extra-curriuclar exploring. Most of this was because of busy work schedules, but also because of various health realted issues with SR (her body decided to play some experiments on itself, which made “intimate relations” difficult in general, but enough about that).

So last week was another one of said such episodes. I’m not complaining by any means because I know that it’s not for lack of interest in her part. By the weekend things were fine. We had a fun weekend of plans. After our Halloween outing on Sat. night (nothing much to report. just been waiting to have pictures in order to write about it) I was a little, shall we say frisky n Sunday morning. SR made a surprise visit into the city and so we had to end up meeting them for brunch on Sunday. So when SR got back into bed with me when I woke up (she had eben up for over an hour already) I was ready to ravage her. However, she protested since we needed to get going to meet her family. There were promises of later that evening, but nothign happened.

Yesterday morning she surprised me by being pretty forward with me in the morning. She ended up jerking me off, which was a first. I tried to touch and play with her, but she didn’t want me too (ok, fine… not complaining). Of course, the mornings activities only worked me up more. I had to work late for an event, but we (or I rather) had made jokes all day about her being home “waiting” for me. I also made jokes about her having a boy/girlfriend come over while I was working, and told her that they can wait for me to get home too.

I got home, ate the pizza I hate bought for dinner, and we watched a little TV. At 10:30 she said let’s go to bed, which, unless I know she’s really tired, is her way of saying let’s go mess around. And here’s where my frustration comes in.

She has a very specific schedule, especially on weekdays. She likes to be in bed at 11:00. Much of it has to do with the fact that she doesn’t function well without a good 7-8 hours of sleep. Now that’s fine, but itusually means sex is relegated to weekends or we have to go to bed early. For me it takes all the fun and spontaneity out of it for me. Sure there are times when she just goes along with it, but usually she ends up thinking about the fact that she has to go to sleep, which then just kills it for her and for me. Plus she spends so much time fighting it that if she just went with it we’d be able to go to sleep at about the same time.

So last night we went to bed earlier, but we ended up talking a little — which was nice. So I ended up rolling over on my stomach and when she tried to roll me back to my side I wouldn’t let her. It’s her easy move. She reaaches over, plays a little with me, and then I have to take over.

Which brings us to frustration #2, I always feel as though I’m initiating things. I don’t mind taking the active role, but I feel like it always me. I’d love it if from time to time my wife just jumped me. Plus the times when she thinks she’s initiating it more her doing something small to say yes I want to mess around so go for it. Then there are other times when she’ll gently stroke me, but it’s not very exciting and at times she’s fallen asleep even!!

So last night when I wouldn’t give in to her easy move she got upset. I thought at first she was just pouting so I made loud sighing noises like “please come play with me, but you have to be bigger about what you want.” But then she just shut down. I don’t know if she took it as rejection, but if so that kinda pisses me off. These are the same issues we’ve had from the beginning and no matter how many times we’ve talked about it … it stays the same.

Sure we can have exciting sex with others and there have been some incredible times of recent, but it’s the regular everyday sex that just sucks. I don’t feel like I expect it all the time. Sure I could did it every night if she wanted, but that’s unrealistic. I just feel like I don’t get the effort from her. It’s like her giving the tiniest indication is enough. I make jokes about her waiting in bed for me when I get home. What’s wrong with that? Light some candles, put the dog in the 2nd bedroom, leave me a note, and be in bed. I’ve done that for her a number of times — which she never quite appreciates.

But here’s the most frustrating thing about all of this for me. We’ve talked about this over and over and over. We couldn’t have gotten through the last year if we didn’t put everything on the table. Even in the last few months we’ve been even more open about things. I feel as though I’ve really put in a ton of effort to give her the things she wants. And she knows the things I want and how I feel about things.

I don’t want to talk about it again because either 1) it ends up making her feel bad or 2) it gets turned around and I’m made to feel bad because I should know that she’s not like that.

I don’t expect mind blowing sex all the time. But what I do expect is it to be less perfunctory and routine. I don’t want to have her say let’s go to bed early, which is double speak for let’s fuck. Why not jump me on the couch when you’re thinking about? Or something!! I don’t want to always be the creative one.

I know every single one of you is gonna say I have to talk to her. I should tell her what I’m feeling, but why?! why?! When we’ve talked about it so much. She knows that I’m much more sexual of a person then her. I know that. I don’t expect her to be this seductress or be who she’s not, but when we’ve gone a week without sex because of “femal issues” and she’s said that it’s annoyed her because she’s wanted it too — THEN PROVE IT TO ME!

I’m really not as upset about it as it may seem in this post. I can get over it and I’ll probably end up seducing her tonight. But these are the everyday frustrations of our relationship that we’ve talked out that I don’t feel like I’m getting anything on. I know I can’t expect her to be what she’s not or act in ways that aren’t her, but really sometimes I feel like she doesn’t want me. That’s she’s not sexually attracted to me. There are times, like Sunday morning, when I see her and I just become consumed with wanting her. I can’t control myself I just need her — to experience her in every way possible. I rarely ever see (maybe never seen) that from her… and I think that’s the part that upsets and scares me the most. I’m not frustrated so much as wonder if my wife is physically and sexually attracted to me.


November 1, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I was in a similar situation in my last relationship. He always initiated and I gave in. It was partly because I knew he always wanted it and would be assertive about it, so I didn’t initiate.

    It’s laziness. Point blank.

    Comment by Catherine Vocalist | November 2, 2005 | Reply

  2. ok. Here goes. I may not be fully coherent while writing this, Mark, ’cause I’m feeling a bit off tonight, but i will give it a shot.

    “I always feel as though I’m initiating things.”

    This is truly common in a lot of relationships that have plateau’d, I think (not saying yours has, just bear with me)… I remember my ex from years ago feeling that way and complaining to me about similar frustrations. We were together for 7 yrs, lived together for 5.
    So the similarities are very real.
    What was wrong with me, he would often ask.
    Why don’t you love me, I would often think back.
    There was something misaligned, during some of those years.
    I look back at it all now and see it so clearly.
    We didn’t communicate well, esp. about intimate things. I never told him what I wanted in bed.
    I was young, I just expected it to be just one or two ways, and thats it. I was content with that, at the time. I wanted kids. I wanted to be married.
    He wanted sex. He wanted me to do everything he told me to do, esp. stay inside and clean house, thats where a woman belonged (I love to be outdoors). He stifled me.
    I stifled him.
    I don’t know where I am going with this.
    I guess what I am saying is that you two are simply out of tune right now.
    Step back, give each other a break, and don’t expect too much.
    You try hard, that’s obvious. You have a big heart, I know you enough now, I see that.
    You aren’t just seeking sex, my sweet.
    Just like we were chatting about earlier today, I think its the whole combined intimacy thing too.

    “…really sometimes I feel like she doesn’t want me. That’s she’s not sexually attracted to me.”

    “I can’t control myself I just need her — to experience her in every way possible… and I think that’s the part that upsets and scares me the most…I wonder if my wife is physically and sexually attracted to me.”

    These resonate with me.
    I would fear the same thing, if it were my man. Hell, I feel it now, with D2. You’re scared this relationship isn’t equal right now.
    Maybe it’s not. Maybe things are off kilt. What to do? I don’t know…
    Break the routine, go out, talk it out. What is she dreaming about? What are her hopes and fears for the next year? Ask her. What are yours? Tell her. But keep it realistic, too. And within a short time frame, like wothin a year. Achieve this together.
    This will push things another level. You two have come so far.
    God, this is so long and I have no idea what the fuk I’m saying.
    I hope things adjust. Help it adjust. Shift gears.

    You know what I really think?
    I think you two need to come to Boston.
    That’s what I think.
    (My shameless attempt at levity)

    Comment by E-E | November 3, 2005 | Reply

  3. I think most people would agree with you. I always initate it.

    I just finally quit initating it, and then he came to me.

    Comment by David Quinn | November 4, 2005 | Reply

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