Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

I Fucked Up.

There was one story from our long weekend in Napa that I’ve been meaning to write about, but just haven’t had the time or really inclination to write about it because it led to a rough im conversation between me and SR last Monday.

On Saturday evening we went out with J&R and their gay couple friend E&R. We had met E&R on Friday night at a party for J’s birthday along with a bunch of their other friends. However, Saturday was a night for our R (this is gonna get confusing, but giving their real names wouldn’t help since the R’s share the same name) to visit his old haunt, which happens to be a fun gay bar — called Stud.

I’ll admit upfront (a little foreshadowing) that when I first met E I was attracted to him. Ok, not kinda, I was. He’s kinda my type of guy. Tall, bigger build, but very cute. His boyfriend is also pretty attractive, but he’s not so much my type. J&R had told us a little about them, some of it quite intimate.

We all met in J&R’s hotel room on Sat. night before going out. We had some pre-drinks and talked. E and I have a very similar sense of humor and it was pretty obvious we were checking each other out. You would think that I would have noticed this all and mentioned something to SR. Make an off-the-cuff comment like “Hey, I think E is cute.” She’d probably laugh at me, but she’d also say something like “Be good” or something to that effect. Instead, I kept it to myself.

We went to the club, were dancing, and drinking — generally having a good time as a group. It was SR’s first experience in a gay bar. Though it was a pretty good introduction (except for what came later) since her and J got pulled away from us by these two very hot guys who were ripped and shirtless. SR was having a very good time with that. Plus the music was great and she loves to dance.

During the trip I had some pretty nasty chest congestion. Didn’t slow me down just made me cough a lot, and the smoke machine in the bar wasn’t helping. At one point, I went outside to get some fresh air. E was outside so I went over to chat with him. It was a pretty casual conversation, at first. He had obviously heard a lot about SR and I from J&R, again pretty intimate stuff I’m sure. He was asking some probing, but innocent questions. But then he said that he and R (his boyfriend) thought I was very cute. He also mentioned that I was very dangerous. This was probably in response to my coy and cockteasing flirting that I have a hard time turning off in situations like this. He offered me some pot to smoke, which I would have normally taken, but figured since I was having chest issues it was smarter not to (I’d been avoiding it all weekend). So instead we made out some. It was a very quick, but pretty intense kiss. That was fuck up #1.

We went inside. SR asked where I was and I said outside with E. She asked if I had smoked, and I said no. I then said we might have kinda made out some. Though in thinking back on it I don’t know if she really heard me or not. I should have made sure.

Fuck up #2 came a little later when I again went outside for air. This time E&R were outside. I didn’t go over to them because they were talking. I walked down a side street; I was coughing somethign fierce anyway. I saw R go back into the bar and E came over to me. We chatted some more and again made out some. (I must admit that he was a really great kisser and that goes a long way with me. Kissing is something I love, and it’s not often you find guys who are good kisers.)

When we went back in I didn’t mention anything to SR, but apparently J told SR at some point. For the rest of the night I could tell SR was upset, and of course I knew why. Our R asked what was wrong with her and I told him that I kinda fucked up. He said that it was the first time (meaning to a gay bar together) out she’d be fine. I told him that wasn’t the point. And it wasn’t.

On the Monday following SR and I had a very rough conversation about it. She had accepted it and was over it (the incredible sex on Sunday morning in the hotel room certainly made that clear), but something I brought up also brought this all up. Practically speaking I was lucky that I didn’t mess things up with our friends by messing around with E, since he did have his boyfriend there. However, it was pretty clear that things were cool.

However, the bigger issue was that I crossed a line in what SR and I had set-up between us. Sure it’s all about honesty and open communication, but it’s also about things coming from us and being about us. I didn’t do that that night. I wanted something and I went after it. I flirted and ignored the fact that she was there. I didn’t include her in any way. Had I gone about it differently things might have ended up the same (more likely not), but I won’t know.

Also, it put SR is a really bad situation because she had to act like it was fine to everyone else so she wouldn’t look like the prude that she is sometimes made out to be because she is a little more reserved (trust me deep down she’s not a prude). We have talked in the past that we couldn’t have as open a relationship as J&R have. He is pretty free and goes out from time to time. There’s no questions asked. That is not how things could function between SR and me. I had a hard time doing that when I was cheating on her let alone if it was open. And it wouldn’t be a meaningful relationship to me at all if we were both free to go do whatever or whoever we wanted.

Though while I know that I have urges and things I want to do the experiences I’ve had with SR have been far more exciting and rewarding because she is a part of them (that was reconfirmed this weekend, more on tha later). Plus the relationship we’ve built in the last year is much stronger and much more fulfilling.

However, I can’t help but feeling really bad about having fucked it up while on our trip. The openness and permissiveness of the evening was something I took much farther then I should have. In fact I should have been checking in with SR much more that evening, but didn’t. It’s another one of those instances where if I had handled thigns differently I wonder what things could have been like.


October 24, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized

1 Comment »

  1. hey Raven,

    …ya know, the most telling part of this post? When you write:
    “And it wouldn’t be a meaningful relationship to me at all if we were both free to go do whatever or whoever we wanted…”

    That, in a nutshell, is the key to how we all should value and respect what we do have, because the consequences are indeed a great loss if we don’t.

    Comment by E-E | October 25, 2005 | Reply

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