Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

The Best and Worst of Both Worlds

PerfektDad has returned with a great post even though it raises more questions then it answers. For those of you who don’t know or might have inferred by now, PD and I have a pretty fantastic friendship. We’ve never met in person, but have spent the better part of almost a year (yeah, wow PD a whole year) chatting online. We kinda laugh at the fact that we feel like such great friends even though we’ve never met. Maybe it’s because we’ve been completely honest with each other in ways that we’ve never been honest with other people, even our wives. Though it’s frustrating too because we wish we did live closer to each other (we’re not that far away and actually I am usually fairly close to him when visiting my family) so that we could hang out and just be friends. For both of us there is a desire to have a good friend that you could be open with about things and meet for beers when you needed to. Oh and the best part… we’re not really that attracted to each other so the temptation level is pretty low.

So back to his post from today. I agree and feel or have felt everything he said. On the surface there is a great benefit to being bi in that you do get the best of both worlds. It doubles the number of people you are attacted to and could be with. However, since we’re both married that’s where the complication comes in. We’ve both already committed to one over the other, but that doesn’t change our nature. And we’ve both failed ourselves and acted on the other impulses when we shouldn’t have. I am in a better position in that my wife knows about my bisexuality and we’ve embraced it. However, that doesn’t mean that being bi doesn’t have it’s complications for me.

In a way it might be more difficult for me. I have my wife’s acceptance on being bi and she is ok with me exploring it within the confines of us exploring together. Sure we’ve talked about having times when we’d each be alone with someone and it has happened in the past year as one-offs, but the experiencing it together is the key to it all. Because it’s not a secret and she has accepted it, it also means that I end up wanting to explore it more often. I’m much more of a sexual person than my wife. Maybe it’s a guy thing maybe it’s just me, but there are few times when I would refuse sex of any kind. My wife is different. If she’s had a long day or is tired or just isn’t feeling right it’s harder for her to rally. Also, she has a very set schedule in her mind and so if it’s a weeknight and it’s late she won’t either (though I can’t begrudge her this because she is a horrible morning person and if she doesn’t get enough sleep she has trouble functioning the nxt day). So that often leaves me thinking about the things I want and I get caught up in flirting with people online. I think to myself that I’m finding people we could met with (which is true), but most of the time I’m flirting with guys because that’s what I want. And I agree with PD, I tend not to want another woman because I have a fantastic, sexy one at home. But I tend to notice and lust after other men more often. It’s completely a case of wanting what I don’t have.

So given all of this I also completely understand what PD is saying. It would be much easier to just not be bi. It’d be easier to be one or the other. I also wonder how things would be different if I had accepted my bi side earlier, explored it earlier. Or if I had admitted it to my wife before acting on it. There were plenty of opportunities to, but I was able to explain it away.

Then again I enjoy being bi. The sexual options are much more exciting and interesting. I just wish that there wasn’t so many hang-ups and stigmas with everyone knowing I was bi. I wish it wasn’t such a big deal and that other people could just know and it would be fine.

It’s a complicated situation that PD and I are in.

But I do think I’m normal and it is all ok. Same goes for you PD…. and you know it.


October 21, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized

1 Comment »

  1. Mark, I finally met a very close, long time chat buddy (from Alaska)last month after talking to him for a number of years. Meeting him was definitely one of the highlights of this entire year. You and PD should work seriously on getting together sometime!


    Comment by Dee's Husband | October 22, 2005 | Reply

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