Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

With Friends Like These…

In some of my internet wanderings I have struck up conversations with random strangers online. Sometimes it’s led to honest friendships (even though we’ve never met we’ve probably shared more with each other then we have with others, so it’s definitely a friendship), casual flirtations, and lots random flirting and dirty talk. What’s very interesting for me is that in many ways I am more easily able to communicate with people over the internet then in person (which is odd given my profession, since so much of it involves starting cold conversations with people).

In my online dalliances sometimes it’s talking with people who might want to get together with me and SR (my wife). But sometimes is also me flirting with guys online through some gay personals sites. I’m always pretty upfront about being bi and married. In any sites that I’m on I always mention it. In some ways it makes me unpopular, but in others it makes me very popular (I guess being married is a taboo that some guys find exciting and so fucking around with me it something fun). Usually the conversation is pretty straight forward in trying to get me to hook up with them. I’ll let it go on a little, but don’t want to take it too far because 1) it’s mean to be a total cocktease like that and 2) taking things too far has gotten me in trouble in the past — there’s a line and sometimes I cross it.

However, there are some guys who I have struck up genuine conversations with. They are nice guys who aren’t just out there for the casual hook up necessarily and since I’m upfront about my situation it kinda takes the sexual element out of things (I said kinda). We end up having regular friendly conversations about ourselves, life, work, sex lives… stuff that friends hanging out talk about. Of course, the conversation also vears to meeting sometime over beers — a casual thing. Just guys hanging out.

So here’s my thing? Can I just be friends with a gay guy?

I did theatre in college so I was always around gay men. And for some reason my freshman year I lived in the dorm with all the gay guys (ironically it was also the dorm where the football and baseball teams lived). However, I think I always avoided becoming friends with the gay guys because I was so unsure of my feelings. I knew there was an attraction to guys, but it was conflicted by my attraction to women. I guess subconsciously I just avoided getting in with the gay crowd for fear of get stuck in only one option. I also wasn’t the person physically and emotionally that I am today where I could have the luxury to be truly bi. Or I wasn’t attracting tons of women to myself so that I could be comfortbaly friendly with the gay crowd or even “experiment” without it becoming a big deal. These were pretty hardcore gay guys too. They were alwasy looking to convert someone. I was always a target because I was so ambiguous about my sexuality (see past posts to connect all the dots on that stuff). That was another reason to not become friendly with them.

So why can’t I be friends with a gay guy now? I guess it’s my fear of what SR might think if I go hang out with some guy she doesn’t really know. Sure I’ve shared chat conversations that I’ve had with some of these guyes with her, but still since the whole thing started with him and me meeting on a gay hoook-up site why wouldn’t she wonder what is really happening. But I think it would actually be fun. I’ve never been one to have many guy friends. I guess I never totally related to the typical straight guy crowd (ironically I probably could a lot more now).

There are two guys that I’m friendly with over im that have suggested getting together for beer. It would be totally casul and I’m sure we’d have some great conversation. I guess what holds me back from doing it is the conflict it might cause with SR. I know that she’d be ok with it, but there would also be the questions in the back of her head. And what happens if I do become friendlier with one of these guys will the questions only get bigger in her mind? I don’t want to add any conflict where there shouldn’t be. And, if I’m being totally honest, sure I do even think what if I’m stupid and slip up again? I’ve done it before in the past. Luckily, it’s more in the front of my mind now and I would stop myself before something truly stupid happened. And if there was an attraction there I would definitely tell SR all about it.

But it really all goes back to my want to have some guy friends I could just hang out with over beers and just be guys. And if I get along and relate to someone who happens to be gay what’s the problem?


October 7, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. sweetie, just stay honest in your most important relationship, right?
    Isn’t THAT what it’s all about?
    The rest should all be okay?

    (who am I to talk)…
    if I keep a blog and I want it to be secret, is THAT being dishonest?

    Comment by E-E | October 7, 2005 | Reply

  2. I say to go for it. If you stay honest to yourself, you won’t do anything you don’t want to do with a person, gay or not, and if you make a good friend in the process–groovy. Can never have too many of them.

    Comment by Dane | October 8, 2005 | Reply

  3. Can you be friends with a gay guy? Haven’t I spent the last year trying to figure that out too?…never mind…different circumstances.

    Comment by Perfekt Dad | October 10, 2005 | Reply

  4. I have had the same thought before also. Can I be friends & just hang out with a gay guy? I think my main hold back is that I am not completely “out” as of yet and don’t want to be outed by association.

    Comment by Mister Freeky | October 10, 2005 | Reply

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