Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

A Lull in the Action and the Complications of Feelings

Have you all missed me? I can’t imagine why? It’s not as though things are very exciting here. However, that tends to happen. Things seem to come in waves and we’re at the bottom point. It’s kinda of funny though because this past Saturday marked a milestone of sorts. A year ago on Saturday was the first time that SR (the wife in case you haven’t been following) and I first met another couple. It was also the first time SR had been with another woman and the first time that she had seen me with another guy. Guess it was also the first time I was with another woman rather than SR as well. It was an incredibly great and fun experience and one that kinda put us on the road of where we are now.

However, it has been a while since we’ve both explored together with others. I think part of it is because we’ve been having great evenings out with J&R, and have spent one night almost every weekend with them over the last couple months. Heck, we spent this past Friday and Saturday night hanging out with them. Though family obligations for both of us will keep us apart this weekend — but we’ll have plenty of time to make it up since we’re planning coordinating trips to San Francisco with them in October.

Of course, when there is a lull it is also the time that I get restless. It also didn’t help that SR was “out of commission” (saying she had her period just sounds vulgar, but guess I just said it) for the end of last week and into the weekend. And then we’ve both been exhausted most evenings during the week. SR is really busy at work and when she gets home she’s usually totally wasted so the idea of having a wild night of fun between the both of us is hard to make happen. But for some reason, maybe it’s because I’m a guy, I’m usually able to rally. I know this makes her feel bad because she can’t, but I also don’t want it to be forced. Like she’s doing it for me or doing the calculation in her head of the lost sleep and the work she needs to do the next day.

The other facet of things is that in being open about things I don’t have to guard the urges I feel so much. I have to suppress the urge to act on them alone in the ways that got me in trouble last summer,which is pretty easy actually since we are able to be so open. However, that means I end up doing a lot of flirting online. I enjoy the casual flirting with people, but I probably get caught up on the idea of what could happen and only later figure that if we actually met all the people I talked with we’d be very slutty people (which I suppose I am, but SR is not).

However, that doesn’t change the fact that I really want to explore with some other people now and again. But it’s always a delicate timing thing. I know that if I wanted to meet with someone I could just go ahead and figure it out and ask my wife. She’d tell me if she was up for it or not. In a weird way it’s been one of the best ways that we’ve been able to learn more about each other sexually. We’re not guarded in what we’ll do and how we’ll react to things when there is someone new in the room. It’s really helped up learn from each other.

But it’s times like this week when we haven’t been together alone for a week (because of her period) that I think that we should do things together first. It’s just that I know that because work is really kicking her ass right now it’s hard to be motivated when you get in bed and your body just wants to sleep. I know there isn’t a lack of desire (I used to think that before), but it’s still frustrating. To further complicate things we’ll be at my parents this weekend and since the bed we sleep in sharesa wall with my parents bedroom… you get the point.

In reading this over I feel weird even complaining about this, but it’s the things that come up in my head. Things that in the past (before we reached this new point in our relationship) have made me frustrated and even angry. They are things that SR and I have even talked about. And I suppose they are very common things among people in realtionships (married or otherwise). Sure there’s the added level of meeting others, but really it comes down to the sexual issues within a relationship: How do you deal with life getting in the way of your sex life? How do you handle the fact the one person is much more sexual or wants sex more often? (though the caveat to that is that I don’t believe my wife wants sex less, but comes down me actually wanting to do it all the time).

But the biggest thing is that at the end of the day I love my wife and love sex with her alone, with others, whatever. And that’s teh biggest frustration of all. I’m a very sexual person and have lots of urges. I want to explore them all with her at every chance I can get. She knows this and she also knows that I’m prett worked up right now. Maybe she’ll surprise me and set-up a night for us to meet with someone else without me really knowing, but that would be another case of me giving in to the fantasy of the urges.


September 28, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I used to date this woman who had a very active sex drive. We had sex (in one form or another) just about every day we were together. (Lukily, she lived about 2 hours away from me and we usually only saw each other on the weekends.) I loved having sex with her – don’t get me wrong – but sometimes I was just too tired, especially considering it usually takes me an hour or so to finish. I would usually “take one for the team” in those cases, though. I didn’t want to complain because I was used to no sex (for 2 years) and before that, it was a monthly occurance (with a woman I lived with).

    Not sure what I’m trying to say here. I’m just sharing.

    Comment by Eric | September 28, 2005 | Reply

  2. I always enjoy your writing, and its implications for the characters in my novel. It has a personal ring as well. Keep posting.

    Comment by W. S. Cross | October 1, 2005 | Reply

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