Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Irrational Is as Irrational Does

P/O has a very interesting and introspective post today. What’s funny is that it seemed to start off as a “I had a dance last night that ended with sex” story, but then took a sharp turn to other things. However, the issue feelings he tackles is one that I dealt with last summer and I know a lot of other bi guys (and sure gals, but don’t interact with as many, sadly — hey bi girls come say hello!!!) out there have dealt with. This is a post that I’ve been meaning to write for a while, but it never seemed to fit. Rather than put it into my own words I’ll let P/O do the talking up front:

“And the most frightening thing is that it’s only in hindsight that you can see it for what it truly was. There’s no way to see it accurately from within, when you’re mired in it. Luckily I was able to claw my way out, but it certainly makes me wonder how many people aren’t. And as a result, how many people are living their lives, making their decisions, from within that warped perspective. I think back to how incapable I became of making a rational decision (and how impossible it was for me to realize that at the time) and I wonder who else in my life is going through that. Scary.”

I totally know that feeling. You’ve gotten into something and are so engrossed in it that no matter how many rational talks you give yourself you somehow end up stuck. And the longer you’re stuck the more things become paralyzing. You just completely start to shut-down and that’s where things get scary because sometimes you stop caring — stop caring about what you’re doing to yourself, what you’re doing to others around you, and even the long-term consequences you could be facing.

I also know what it’s like to sit back and watch things third person. I’ve become good friends (though we’ve never met in person, sadly) with another fellow bi guy blogger out there. Had lots of long and deep conversations with him while he was going through things. His situation was a little bit rougher. Despite that the feelings were the same. He got himself into a situation and was no longer able to focus properly and handle himself the way he knew he should. I hope that I was able to be the voice of reason screaming at him and pushing him in the right directions. But despite all my conversations with him he had to claw his way out just like the rest of us.

I guess my hope is, and I think P/O alludes to it, that we each will have people inour lives who will notice something is wrong or we’ll go seeking out those close to us who know us as well as we know ourselves, or, and I guess part of my whole reason for doing this blog, we’ll look in other places for the information/the spark we need to get us out of the bad places and past the paralysis so that we can be happy.

What’s also interesting is that I’ve been able to take the step back and look at things I begin to understand more about how we get into situations like this. I think that why we allow ourselves to get stuck in some situations is because what we want isn’t possible. The things we are experiencing are either not what we want or don’t fit in with everything else. So we start getting “does not compute” messages in out heads and that’s when rational process grinds to a halt. I’m not gonna start overanalyzing things (even though it is one of the more enduring traits about myself). However, I can’t help thinking that this also is when reality bumps up against our perceived or dreamed for realities.

Sure, I’d love to say that wouldn’t it be great to be happily married to my wife and have the perfect little marriage. At the same time I could fuck around with people on the side and take care of those things. And it would all happily coexist and the world would be great. And I’m sure the friend I have would have loved to gain a new friend he could be openly bi with, but still keep the straight face to the rest of the world. But in each of those cases there were two independent realities that “don’t compute.” So instead we both shut down and did crazy things.

Luckily, we’ve both been able to find our way out and get to “good places.” However, there are still things that will always linger from the experience. It truly changes the perspective of self. I hate to think about the person I allowed myself to become during last summer. I can’t change it, but it will always be with me.

And, I guess at this point I realize that it was an important experience to have because I sometimes catch myself sliding into the feelings of just wanting to explore my urges regardless of the rest of the stuff going on around me.




Advertisements

August 16, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized

2 Comments »

  1. hey, thanks for the nice shout-out. and i’m so right there with you on everything you’ve said. couldn’t have said it better myself. 🙂

    Comment by P/O | August 17, 2005 | Reply

  2. well, p/o, you kinda did. I just overanalyzed and ran on and on about it instead.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | August 17, 2005 | Reply


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: