Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Frustrations Jerking Off Won’t Solve

Despite having a great weekend celebrating my wife’s 30th birthday there were some frustrations as things did not go as planned pretty much all weekend. I should have seen it coming since plans started to fall apart two weeks ago.

My wife doesn’t love celebrating her birthday (combination of too many over the top birthdays as a kid and not enjoying being the center of attention). However, I love my birthday and celebrating others’. I figured also that you only get the chance to turn 30 once so let’s do it big. However, I was planning an anti-party birthday party. I had already told all of our friends that the goal of the evening was to get all our friends and the people who love Heather together in one place for a fun and relaxing evening. And if it happens to be near her birthday and we celebrate that then all the better. One of our best friends has been away for work since May and then another who was gonna fly in cancelled because she is recently pregnant and sick all teh tiem. And well, it’s August, so as I sent out Save the Dates more and more people told me that they wouldn’t be around. My guest list was turning into a random collection of people with none of the overlap people to make it all mix well. Then my wife found out about who wasn’t gonna be there and it started to depress her. So I shifted gears quickly and postponed the celebration until the end of September/early October when it would coincide with our 5th anniversary as well — we’d have a dual celebration.

That was fine and instead we had a small dinner out with close friends on Saturday night and it was great.

But that was just strike one for the weekend, and here is where things get frustrating a la the title…

The other plans we were supposed to have were to have the couple we’ve become friends with (next post, I promise) over to our place for an alternative, more intimate celebration of my wife’s birthday. The original plan was for Friday night, but the guy had been sick all week and wasn’t quite recovered (there’s a nasty summer cold going around nyc). We rescheduled for late afternoon on Sunday. Now with nothing to do on Friday I put some feelers out for people I’ve been in touch with and even ventured into craigslist world. Ended up finding an interesting prospect. However, the wife decided she didn’t want to have to work on her birthday and meet someone new. I understood and of course we had Sunday. I was a little frustrated, but it was fine (for the most part, but I was ready to play). We went out for a nice dinner and it was great.

Sunday rolls around and things were looking good. The wife and I had cleaned the apartment bought some great food for a nice spread to relax and chill over before things got interesting. Then the woman called and said that it they were probably gonna have to cancel. Apparently, the guy was feeling much better on Saturday night and decided to go out dancing. Well apparently alocohol, dancing, a few drag queens, and a lingering cold make a nasty mix. It was 1:00 (they were supposed to come at 4:00) and he still wasn’t out of bed and had had a really rough night (projectile vomit was included). Definitely not sexy.

Well, that was it I was a grumpy asshole for the next couple hours. My wife knew it. I knew she was disappointed too, but I get myself all worked up and then can’t deal with the change in plans. However, the bigger disappointment for me was that I was looking forward to it for various reasons. First, I was looking forward to working out some of my women issues. But I guess the bigger disappointment (compounded by not exploring on Friday night) was that it’s been a while since I’ve been with a guy and this is where it gets interesting.

I don’t know why, but sometimes the urge for cock just takes me over. It’s the same urge that drove me to keep hooking up with other guys all last summer even though it was messing my life up terribly. It’s completely irrational and just takes over. The difference now is that it doesn’t need to be a secret. I can tell my wife, though she usually can tell too. And no matter how much I have sex with my wife or jerk off the urge is still there. I can suppress the urge now because I know there will be a release at some point. However, this weekend was just too much. There were two many potential opportunties, but none of them came to be. I was a complete grumpy jerk on Sunday afternoon.

And this is were all the thoughts of feeling selfish about things come in. I know I’m in a good place with myself and my wife, but why does the urge still take over so much so often?!?!

I guess the silver lining is that I don’t feel the need to go out and find other ways outlets for my urges, but it doesn’t change some of the guilt for the way I feel inside.

UPDATE:
So came across this line
“I can never tell when my lust for sex with a male will flair up. However, when this happens, it’s like a fever that must be satiated. So, I go into action and attempt to make appropriate contacts.”
on the holiday life. guess i’m not alone.





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August 8, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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