Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Women Scare Me

Ok, so this is the posting I’ve been waiting to post because it’ll probably get all the “there is no such thing as bi” people all crazy and say “see you’re just gay,” but here goes anyway.

Women Scare Me. Hard to believe since, most of my friends growing up were female, most of my current friends are women, I work in an industry that is mainly woman, oh and what else?… oh yeah I’m married to a woman. But that’s the thing. I can relate to woman. I can be friends with women. I have had a great time socially with women…

BUT get me in front of a naked woman and I’m terrified.

Ok, I’ll make an exception to that. Put me in front of any naked woman other than my wife and I’m terrified.

And it’s not that I don’t enjoy women sexually at all. As much as I enjoy cock nothing beats going down on a woman as far as I’m concerned. Yes, you heard me right I could eat a woman out until my jaw, tongue, and lips are numb and cramped.

But every time I walk away from a new sexual experience with a woman I always feel like there was something missing or that she didn’t have a good time with me. And sometimes I feel like I get too lost in the other guy that’s there or going to what’s safe and known to me — my wife.

And see therein lies the problem. When I am with another woman there is another guy and a whole new set of options as well as my wife who I make sure to check in with so that we’re connected.

The other problem is that my wife was the first person I ever had sex with and to this day remains the only woman I’ve ever been with alone sexually.

Because of my weight issues — most woman liked me as a friend, but probably couldn’t get past the weight to think anything more, or at least what I thought projected for them (I’ve lost weight, I’m past it for the most part); plus with the sexual identity issues I didn’t know where I was and since I figured no ONE, let alone a woman, would be interested I never pursued it.

I never had the drunken hook-up. I never tried to date anyone. Sure I had crushes and were into some women, but whenever I made any move — I stuck to the romantic — I was always rebuffed. Though to be honest I probably didn’t put up much of a fight because I didn’t want to lose friendships.

It is something that I regret now, and since I took the initiate and hooked up with lots of guys alone, I feel an imbalance. The sad/ironic things are these:
1.) When my wife and I were dating and we were getting serious she suggested maybe we should take a rest so I could get more experience because she didn’t want me to have only been with one person my whole life. But I was still overweight at the time and when you spend 21 years waiting for one person to take interest and it’s “THE ONE” you don’t want to let go.
2.) I think I’m a damn good lover to women. period. exclamation point!

And now that I have had more experience with other women (sadly only 5, but still) I go stupid and get upset about whether I was good or not. I don’t get that way with my wife or even other men, and that leads me to believe that it’s because the only woman I’ve only really been with is my wife.

One problem is that we don’t explore all that often with others, and finding couples and single women is hard (men are sluts and easy to find). And when we do find one it’s always been in a couple and because we don’t explore often there’s the opportunity for me to experience the guy too so I don’t get to be able to really focus on the other woman because I can have a woman just about any day, but another guy is something different (excuse the run on sentence). And I know how stupid that is because when I’ve really gotten into another woman it’s been amazing to have to figure her out.

Men are pretty one line as far as things go sexually. Plus I know what needs to be done to get a good blowjob and such that giving one is pretty second hand for me. Women on the other hand are each completely different, respond to things in different ways, and even respond to you completely different. What works for going down on my wife or fucking her will not always be the same thing that works on another woman. And that’s where a lot of the regret comes from — that I don’t have the opportunity to really be able to explore another woman because in a more than one on one situation things are so fluid.

I don’t expect a huge revelation to fix this, but I guess putting it out there helps. Luckily, we’ve become good friends with another bi couple who we are seeing on a regular basis — not always sexually. Since we’re becoming such good friends I’m really hoping to have the opportunity to really be able to get into her — with all the dirty connotations you want to include. — one on one.




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August 4, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized

3 Comments »

  1. Just start focusing on not worrying about how well you’re doing and just do your best.

    Comment by Evan | August 4, 2005 | Reply

  2. See that’s the thing I don’t worry up front. I worry after. In the moment I’m just going with the flow, and given my lack of experience I don’t focus on the woman enough. Then after I regret it. I know I shouldn’t be so focused on it, but it does annoy me because I’m missing opportunities.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | August 4, 2005 | Reply

  3. With me when I’m with a woman I spend ALOT of time making sure that she has a couple of orgasms before I even get one. I have found that after five or more orgasms most women are pretty happy. As Evan said “do what you do when you do what you do”

    Comment by Mister Freeky | August 4, 2005 | Reply


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