Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

"Come Out, Come Out"

I cribbed the title from Perfekt Dad and his post from over a week ago about wanting to come out as bi and the troubles that could pose in general as far as people understanding bi and, more specifically since he’s married.

The reason I bring this topic up now is because my wife and I had an very interesting conversation in the car last night. We were driving home from a night out with a new couple friend we have (they are bi as well, but more on them another post). We were talking about how a real freindship had developed between the four of us. But then comes the weird point where we always talk about …. about how new friends we meet through exploring could mix with our other “regular” friends. Then that developed into we wish we could just be open about who we really were with everyone, but this is where things diverge from what Perfekt Dad was speaking to because the most important person in my life who would only be the person to need to know does. But after a year, and feeling more comfortable in accepting who I am and my wife and I finding and even better place in our marriage together, it only underscores the want to just be honest with people we know. Not that I want to go out and tell everyone we know that we’re bi (though I wouldn’t have a problem with that), but I don’t want to be on guard about comments around people we know. My wife completely agrees. It feels like we’re hiding something from people… like we’re leading a second life.

However, as much as we’d like to be open about things with people we know we then realize that there’s no point. It would be as if we shared secrets of our sex life with our friends. We don’t do that now so why would this be any different? It only becomes an issue when we have these new friends that we feel we have a friendship that is developing into one that is similar to the others we have. And that’s where the roadblock comes in. We’d love to be able to introduce these friends into situations with out other friends, but how do we explain where we met without the whole bi and sex stuff coming in? And what happens if it does slip out. We’re not entirely sure all our friends could accept it. So in one way it is the same paralyzing experience that Perfekt Dad has. Well, not the same, but similar.

However, I do understand Perfekt Dad’s feelings and hating the way he feels. That’s what I was like until August of last year, but it was more acute during last summer when I was exploring on my own. I, like P.D., wished my attractions to men just went away, but I did and do enjoy being attracted to both men and women. But then it would have been a complete disaster if it had came out somehow. There are no telling how things could have gone. In some ways I was able to control the way things came out. And now if thigns came out I wouldn’t care because I know that the important person is ok with the way things are and it truly doesn’t matter what others think.

But it would realyl piss me off if people did get upset and had trouble accepting it and that’s where P.D. is right about things. The reason it is so hard to come out at as bi, even if you’re single, is that most people are comfortable putting someone in the straight box or the gay box. But bi isn’t a box for a lot of people straight or gay. I truly think that for some it threatens the box they are in that I threatens how they are defined. To many gay people a bi person is hurting other gay people byt refusing to admit they are really gay. And for many gay people a bi person doesn’t allow them to totally define gay people as “not like me.” Of course, these are some big generalities and that’s what this all comes down to.

Bi isn’t a generality. For the many bi people I’ve met they float back and forth along the spectrum, and I know this is how I feel. There aer times when all I can think about is my wife and being with her. There are other times, even times when the sex may be great with my wife and I’m getting more than most, that I can’t help, but really want to be with a guy. I can share that with my wife. In fact that’s the place we are right now. Since our vacation it’s as though something all of a sudden clicked with us sexually and we are having some of the most incredible sex of our entire 8 year relationship. But still it’s been a while since I’ve have some cock (sorry sometimes the vulgar is the easiest way to describe it) and I have a very strong craving (see this post for an even more explicit example of how this is). It doesn’t add up, but it’s how I know that bi does exist for me. As much as I’m having an fantastic time with my wife I still have that urge for something different.

And before some of you jump on me…. She and I have talked about it.. She understands it (even finds it exciting) because it’s the same thing for her. She understands the urge because there are times when she really wants to experience another woman.

So while the circumstances are different for Perfekt Dad and me, because we’re both bi males, we’re in teh same boat in many ways. Yes, I have less pressure because my wife knows and it accepting, but if others found out about both of us I think we’d have the same problems. There would be the questioning about if we were really just gay. In my case people might yell at my wife and wonder if she was just covering for me.

I know how lucky I am to be in the position that I am, but it still doesn’t relieve the pressure of being bi. In fact, since I’m happy with who I am and happy about the place I am in life the urge to just come out is far greater!


July 31, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. Once again,I can totally relate to what you have written.

    Comment by Mister Freeky | August 2, 2005 | Reply

  2. You bring up a lot of intelligent, thought-provoking issues on your blog about bisexuality and relationships. I like it, a lot. It is not something that should be taken lightly, and has not been with us.

    Fred knew about my bisexuality right from the beginning. We have found a comfort level with my bisexuality–so where I can pursue relationships with women without impeading on our relationship. I have never been happier. I no longer feel like I have to grapple with this issue. I am free.

    I wish you both all the best.


    Comment by mr. & mrs. | August 3, 2005 | Reply

  3. “wilma,”

    Thanks for the nice note. I’m trying to find a balance between the serious and sincere as well as the fun and sexy, which is the similar balance my wife and I try to take. It’s wonderful that you have found a place where you can both be happy, and most importantly fulfilled. That sense of freedom is certainly something my wife and I are just starting to feel and revel in.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | August 4, 2005 | Reply

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