Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

If I Only Had Two Brains

So the new job is going pretty great… there’s a lot to absorb and take in, but it’s great! Of course, it means that my mind is totally focused on “real world” things like work and being responsible rather than the fact that I haven’t had cock in over a month and kinda aching for it.

Instead of getting lost in those thoughts (like I did last night) I decided to get lost in the thoughts of my fellow bloggers out there (check out my blogroll to the right for the ones I read regularly — or at least try too). Of course, the post that grabbed my most attention was on Defining David, regarding his weight loss challenge (post 1, post 2) . I promised in my early posts that at some point I’d revisit my weight loss… so here it goes.

About a year ago and a half ago I finished an 18 month process of losing a 13 year old girl (ok, 90 lbs., but it’s funnier to say that). My wife was the one who really got us started because she wanted to loss 40 lbs. She started by doing WeightWatchers online. I’ll give her credit because she didn’t force it on me, but instead I just saw what she was doing and because she was eating “on plan” for dinner… so was I. So about 3 weeks into her program I started. It was actually the perfect program for me. HOWEVER, the biggest reason is because it made me realize why I was fat and what I needed to do to change that.

I was always overwieght from as long as I can remember. Sure there are pictures of me as a slender little kid, but I don’t remember that kid. What I do remember is the kid who was always overweight and hated it. I didn’t want to be that way. I didn’t want to be the kid who everyone said had nature athletic ability, but the damn fucking weight made him nearly pass out from running (though that didn’t stop me — my wife gets mad when I verve into speaking in the 3rd person– from playing basketball in grade 3-8 and tennis all through high school).

My body and being overweight has truly defined the person I am in more definite ways than anything else (for those keeping track my adoption post was about the who I am… this is more about what I’ve become and how I continue and grow as a person). Being overwieght/obese made me develop other ways to compensate… I was a great friend, have a hilarious sense of humor and perfect comic timing — I rarely miss making the joke in normal conversation. It even definded things for me realtionship and sexually speaking. I was so embarassed and sheltered in the way I felt about myself that I never imagined anyone would have found me attractive in any other wasy than as friends let alone anything sexual (rather than sidetracking you can add up all the losing weight, the bi stuff, the cheating on my wife, and where I am now and see how it all nets out).

Even today being the guy who lost 90 lbs. is something that I am proud of and tell (ok, brag about) to almost everyone I meet. Everyone asks what diet I was on and that’s the funniest part for me… It wasn’t a diet that did it.

Sure, I followed Weight Watchers program online (no meetings for me — I don’t need to hear about other people’s weight problems or see people that are much fatter than me and demotivate myself because “I’m not THAT fat!!”). However, the distinction for me was realizing that diet is a constant. People think you go on a diet to lose weight. Fuck that! You’re on a diet every day of your life. Maybe you are on the I’m gonna load up on fatty food and become a fat shit diet, but it’s a diet all the same. I needed to realize that if I was gonna lose weight I had to permanently change what I ate as well as the way I ate.

The other key element for me was to accept the fact that the reason I was fat was my own fault. Sure my mother is very overweight and I learned all the worst habits from her — we are both secret, binge eaters who lie about what we actually ate. I can remember as a kid sneaking downstairs after dinner and taking oreo cookies from the cabinet. I’d tell myself I only had 4, but really I’d eaten 9 or 10 over the course of the day. Even now I see my old habits in her. She’ll spend a day picking at food — a handful of chips here, some pieces of cheese there — but when we sit down to eat dinner and there is healthy food on the table she eats small portions because she doesn’t want to gain weight!!

This where Weight Watchers came in. The programs requires you to account for every piece of food you eat andgives it a point value. I decided that in the first week I was just gonna eat like I always did and not worry about it. I nearly died when I came to the end of the week and realized I was actually eating enough for about 3 people. But that’s the biggest role Weight Watchers played — the rest was me.

It was teaching myself how to eat again. Figure out what the right balance of food is. What do I really NEED. If I’m hungry what can I eat that will fill me up, but not make me pay for it ont he sacle. And this is where I reinforce the fact that a diet is a constant thing. We all need to have that night of of eating and drinking with friends or getting that pizza on the night when you don’t want to cook or having that candy bar at 3:00 in the afternoon because it will just make you feel good. I refused to deny myself those things because I knew those were things I couldn’t do without. So it was a matter of compensating for them. Pizza for dinner one night — ok, have a huge salad with it because then I won’t eat half the pizza. Going out for a friend’s birthday on Saturday night — ok, that means I needed to have 2 or 3 REALLY healthy days in advance. Had that candy bar today — ok, so I’ll spend 10 more minutes at the gym tonight.

I also decided that I’d spent my life getting to like the foods that were bad for me so I might as well start to try to like the things that were good for me. I now love most seafood. I’d never used eat vegetables of any kind, but if a meal includes onions, peppers, squash I’m all over it.

It was also creating tricks for myself. I refused to drink my calories. Fresh juices and regular soda are horrible for you. I don’t need to drink good beer every night of the week when there are plenty of good light beers (The person who created the formula for Sam Adams Light — s/he gets my vote for emperor of the world!). Then it was also finding treats that were still good for me. Rice Krispie Treats are a shockingly good for you sweet treat. Sugar-free jello with fat-free whipped topping can take the bite out of any craving. And any Skinny Cow ice cream treat is as good as a pint of any premium ice cream as far as I’m concerned.

It’s amazing to me the dramatic ways my eating habits have changed. But that’s not to say it wasn’t hard as hell. It took about 540 days to do it. And that’s the other thing I realized about half way through the process. It took me 26 years to gain all that weight so the fact that it only took a year and a half to get right of it IS amazing. And I also realized that every 5 or 10 pounds lighter I got was an accomplishment enough. Sure I’m 10-15 lbs above the lowest I got, but I’m also 90 lbs below the biggest I got. I’m ok and have actually come to accept the belly I’ve got. Hell, I’ve even turned it into a selling feature when we’re out exploring. I make a joke about being in not perfect shape and rather be out enjoying a night drinking with friends then in the gym. Heck, some people even find it a little sexy too.

So now that I look back on things and that I’ve kept the majority of the weight off for well over a year I guess weight is always something that will have defined my life. In losing weight I felt much better about myself in general, but it also brought out the other issues in my life I needed to deal with. Sure, it made me confident because people were actually checking me out in a physical/sexual way (still the best part of losing weight is the extra attention I get), but I’m not necessarily proud of how I dealt with it. But that is in the past.

Now I can truly be proud of what losing all that weight was like and feel good about where it’s brought me in life.


July 29, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. Fantastic posts (and not just because you linked me twice, and talked about how fabulous and how much of an inspiration I was to you – okay maybe I’m paraphrasing there). It sounds like you did exactly what I’m doing. I’m not going to go on some fad diet that I will forget about in 3 days. I’m doing a lifestyle change. So far, I think it’s paying off.

    I also think the hardest part for me is admitting that I’m fat becuase of me. It’s my own fault, even if I think I could get away with blaming it on other people.

    Comment by David | July 29, 2005 | Reply

  2. It is so funny how you and I have been in similar circumstances. Though I didn’t struggle with my weight when I was younger I have developed the problem in my later years. Just as you said David is an inspiration realize that you are too.
    Great Post!!

    Comment by Mister Freeky | August 3, 2005 | Reply

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