Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Selfishness & Being Bisexual and Married

Disclaimer: This was the hardest entry I’ve made so far. I’m not sure where I was going and what I wanted to say. I spent two hours putting it together, and I’m still not sure what point I’m trying to make. I can’t even reread it to see if it makes any sense. I’m hoping that the limited traffic on my blog might start a discussion. We’ll see.

I generally don’t think of myself as a selfish person. In fact I tend to be a giver, especially sexually speaking. However, in the first weeks of having the bi stuff come out with my wife we both did a lot of exploring in online groups about bi couples or couples where one spouse was bi. Infidelity was a part of so many stories and a thread that came up that was something my wife and I talked a lot about is selfishness.

This is something that I’ve often gotten in trouble for bringing up on other blogs or website. It’s very difficult to fully articulate and involves circular logic that gets you caught in a vicious Catch-22. I’m gonna try a different way of attacking this by putting it in the form of 2 questions:

Is it selfish to act on your bisexual feelings if you are married or in a committed relationship?
Is it selfish to admit your bisexual feelings if you are married or in a committed relationship?

To answer simply, yes or no, I would say the answer is yes. But can you see where the circle comes in? If your feelings are strong enough and become a major issue in your life (like they did for me early last summer) what do you do?

If you act on them you are being selfish and giving in to your desires.
If you admit your feelings to your partner you are most likely to hurt them because you are redefining the game. You are no longer the same person they thought you were. They are likely to doubt your motivations to being with them because bisexuality is not something that is an easy concept for many to understand.

So here we are stuck in the circle. I’ve had people confront me and say that it’s better to be selfish and honest rather than continue the lie. Someone summed it up quite nicely

Selfish + Lies = Cowardice
Selfish + Honesty = Courage

I would agree. I always regret that I didn’t make the first move in admitting to my wife I was bi, but fear kinda prevented that (though again an example of being selfish; I didn’t want to admit my cheating because I didn’t want to lose what I had).

However, in talking about selfishness I never said you should admit your feelings. I just wanted people to recognize that if you do admit your bi feelings and/or infidelities (because let’s be honest there is a lot of that going on out there) you have to make sure that you aren’t doing it to get it off your chest. And you need to think about the full scope of effects it will have on the person at the other end. They didn’t expect this going in, and, like I said before, you’ve all of a sudden changed the definitions of the game.

I guess the larger issue comes in having met so many bi guys out there, many in committed relationships. For many of them they have been able to easy disassociate there meeting other guys for sex from their marriages/relationships. This is where the selfishness pisses me off.

However, I’ve met other guys who, like myself, feel a profound amount of guilt over what has happened and they are at a loss at what to do. In giving in to your own desires (a.k.a. your selfishness) you wish there was a way to go back or not feel the way you do. However, you do and there’s no changing it. Do you owe it to the person you are committed to share this with them?

I still have no idea where this leaves things, but I guess in accepting that there is a level of selfishness involved in all of this is gave me perspective on things and helped me to accept who I was and find a way for it to work in my life and life situation. There is give and take in relationships. Is being bi something that can be given up? And, if not, is it fair to take without the other side giving?


June 27, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. What you’re wrestling with takes up about half of the novel I wrote. It happens to be about a bisexual woman, but many of the things you’re troubled by are at the heart of it.

    I’m not saying that to promote my novel, either. Some bloggers take it that way, but you have to realize the woman who loaned me her journal upon which the novel is based understands that many other people of both sexes wrestle with the dilemmas of temptation and adultery.

    The key is being honest with your spouse. Hiding things is the route to trouble. You’ve been lucky in that she’s accepting it and sharing in the adventure. If she hadn’t….

    Comment by W. S. Cross | June 30, 2005 | Reply

  2. this is a difficult question. i’m bi myself and my partner had some difficulty at first but not as much as i expected. i think the circumstances is probably very different for a bisexual woman as opposed to a bisexual man.

    Comment by Secret Scent | July 2, 2005 | Reply

  3. I think when it’s added to any relationship how easy it is to be accepted by everyone in the relationship makes no difference if the bi one if male or female. I can see many men seeing it as a threat.

    That being said bisexuality in women is more accepted by society (even if it’s primarily as a straight male fantasy). There isn’t the question of whether “is she really gay?” that is so inherrent in a man admitting his is bisexual.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | July 5, 2005 | Reply

  4. Damn. Those were two well-spent hours. Thank you for offering it up to the world; you’ve directly helped me in dealing with my situation.

    Guess I’ve gotta come clean, finally.


    Comment by Anonymous | August 15, 2006 | Reply

  5. […] brings me around to the analogy of the title of this post. I’ve written before that cheating is a wholly selfish act. Is this the same with blogging? Is blogging, for me anyway, a selfish act where I get to have my […]

    Pingback by Is Blogging Like Cheating? « Defending the Raven | August 15, 2008 | Reply

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