Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

I’m Special

I’m a little behind on publishing this one, but…

Friday was my other birthday. Actually it’s one day of the year when my mother and I get to brag over who calls who first (for the record she gets the title for the year). Sometimes she likes it that I call first and sometimes she doesn’t… But I digress.

Friday was the day my parent’s brought me home. What?!?! — you say. Oh yeah, I’m adopted.

More than anything else I think being adopted defines me as a person more than everything else. I am a living example of the case that nature and nurture can coexist. There are things about me that I know are coded in my DNA and then there are things that I know I have learned from my parents (adopted parents technically, but they’ll always be my parents no matter what).

However, I think that the reason beign adopted is such a hige deal for me is that I always grew up always feeling like there was a piece of me, of who I am, missing. You can sit my wife next to her mother, brother, and grandmother and you just know they are all related. That physical, intimate connection with her family is what I always felt I was missing. And when you spend so much of your life trying to figure out who you are, feeling like there is something missing doesn’t help.

My parents were always open about my adoption and from a very early age I was always taught that I was special because my parents chose me. There is something very nice about that. However, they also made it clear for me and my sister, who is also adopted, that if we ever wanted to find our birth parents they wouldn’t be upset.

However, I’ve thought about it a lot. I’ve even started looking online for how to begin the process. But no matter how far I go something always stops me. I think the biggest thing is that for all the years I struggled to find myself and feel accepted by my parents (long post on that to come at some point — not sure when I’ll be able to tackle that one), I’m afraid that the bridge to a “good palce” my parents and I have established would come crashing down. I don’t think my mom could take me finding my birth parents. I think our relationship would have crossed a line that couldn’t be taken back. I think she would take it as a personal affront to her abilities as a mother.

Also, I guess there is the feeling that it might be a whole lot underwhelming. I think I’ve built it up so much that it migth be a disappoint. Would I really have all the questions about myself answered in meeting one or both of the people who I’m gentically linked to? I don’t know.


June 27, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I am a married guy who just had his first bi exp the other day, and as a result of this I started looking for related blogs, hence how I arrived at yours. I started at the beg because I am curious how others deal with the feelings of guilt, and the fact that I am hiding something from my wife. In any case, I am finding your blog interesting, and I just wanted to share with you that I am also adopted. I don’t know where you are at with your search or if you even have one going, but in the last few years I found both of my biological parents, and I must say the exp has been very interesting. One of the big differences between us is that my parents my adopted parents have both passed away. So I don’t have to deal with them directly, and deal with that whole situation. But the point that I think that I am trying to make here is that after almost 6 years of getting to know these people, I am starting to really feel like I am related to them. That is not to say that there haven’t been uncomfortable times, there have been plenty, and they cont to happen. But what has transpired at least for me is to have that experience of knowing who I look like, and knowing why I act a certain way. It also turns out that my b-mom is gay, so I guess that is related to my bi side, and my b dad loves sports and is extremely competitive as I am , so a lot of questions are being answered. I have a friend who is in between where you and I are, his parents are alive, and he has also found his biological parents. It is not always easy for all of them, but they all love him, and as a result of that they all manage to get along. Akward? yes , Unbearable? no. Hope you get to read this and find it useful.

    Comment by SuburbanCity guy | April 4, 2006 | Reply

  2. Thanks for sharing suburbancity guy. That is a lot in one comment, but is really great to hear.

    Comment by Raven in NYC (aka Mark) | April 4, 2006 | Reply

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