Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

"I’ve Slept with Enough Men to Know That I’m Not Gay"

Oxymoron was my second favorite “big people” word to learn in grade school (for the record Onomatopoeia was the first). So this whole posting is gonna seem very oxymoronic to some people, but hopefully you’ll understand.

The quote from the title is from a fascinating New York magazine article that ran last December. At the time I read it I found it funny because December was also the height of experimentation with my wife and I with others. It was also a time when “swinging” had gotten some publicity on some news magazine shows and Oprah. At the time I laughed about how cool and trendy I was. Although it has kinda stuck with me since then.

I wish the article went a little deeper and was more than just a funny sex trend report because in “being out there” I have met a number of straight guys who do mess around with other guys. They see themselves as mostly straight, but have no problem and enjoy being with other guys sexually.

Part of the whole experience of sharing my bisexuality with my wife (and the admission I had cheated) was her question of whether I was really gay. Throughout my entire sexual life (which I kinda peg as beginning when I was in 6th grade) I’ve always been attracted to girls and guys. I think that part of my fascination with guys was that I was very overweight until I was about 26 and so I would admire a guys body and want to be like that (ok, and yeah sure I’d also get aroused too… I’m bi enough to not deny it!).

But the thing is that I’ve never felt an emotional urge or connection to any guy. Maybe when I was younger when sexual feelings with a whole new thing and you’re kinda freaked out about all the shit that you’re feeling and the things going on with your body.

However, I enjoy sex with men. There’s something different and exciting about it, but I’ve never attached much emotional connection to it. In fact, I’ve never had as intense emotional feelings and intense of a connection as with my wife. There was, and still is, this visceral connection with her that I can’t describe. It just feels right. I’ve never felt that feeling with anyone I have liked, lusted after, or have had crushes on (most of them women), but I had that feeling from very earlier on when I first met my wife and it only grew over the first two years we knew each other and were just friends.

I’ve had people I’ve chatted with online or met ask about whether I could have an emotional attachment to a man. The simple answer is no. I guess that while I enjoy sex with men I can’t see having a relationship with a man. I just don’t think I would find it fulfilling or find it to be anything more than a good friendship. I know there are plenty of people out there who don’t believe it, but their also the ones who say bi doesn’t exist.

Which then brings me back to the New York article because while I wish the article had gone deeper into exploring things I am kinda glad it didn’t. The fact that it was as casually reported as straight women have bi experiences is nice because it takes the spotlight off the idea that some people have that I’m really a gay man hiding behind my wife.


June 23, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I blog just about every day about my life as a bisexual single dad.

    And every know and then, I’m asked:

    “Bisexuality isn’t real, right?”

    I can only wonder. I’ve lived it for a few decades. A few more, and that was my life.

    That’s pretty real, right?

    Comment by Jefferson | June 24, 2005 | Reply

  2. Fascinating, we hear so much about bisexuality in women, which is cool by societies crazy standards, but not for guys.

    Comment by W. S. Cross | June 30, 2005 | Reply

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