Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Persistent Impatience

My wife is a horribly impatient person. I find it an endearing trait, but I have been known to give her one of my personal mantras “Patience is a Virtue; Impatience is just Annoying.”

In general, I’m a very patient person. I don’t mind the waiting for a great ride at an amusement park. Long lines at a cash register at a store when I want to buy something? I can handle those.

However, I’ve come to realize that I am impatient for things I really want. Right now I’m in the waiting game for a new job. Had great series of interviews. My references were checked. All signs point to an offer coming soon. Heck, even my horoscope for the week said, “There is also going to be a Full Moon in Capricorn on Wednesday and this is going to highlight your career and any major situation that has been recently developing. This week it will come to a head and you will see the results of the efforts you have made to attain a certain goal.” (see this entry for more on that)

However, the area I have seen my thresh hold for patience reach terrible lows is sex. I know that I am a tremendously sexual person by nature. And I know that my wife is not, but she has been growing more and more of late, and I have learned to greatly appreciate that. Plus our exploring together has made things much more interesting. We have been expanding our horizons together, which only makes me want it more. However, because of highly valid physical reasons my wife has been off limits last week and for the next week. Of course, that only gets my mind wandering (being bored at work doesn’t help either) about her, then others, and then I find myself spiralling down to flirting with the bad habits that put me in such a terrible place last summer, which is scary and interesting. Luckily, I have a good friend who I can have smack some sense into me and I don’t take things further. But now it has me thinking.

During my explorations alone last summer I didn’t need to wait. I could get what I wanted pretty much whenever I wanted it. Sure in most cases it was no more satisfying than jerking off, but I suppose that didn’t matter. I wanted x and I could go out an get it. So now I wonder if my impatience over sex has to do with my extracurricular explorations last summer?

But here’s where I start to dismiss that. I would give up any of those useless experiences last summer for one time with my wife now, in the place that we are. Furthermore, I am in a very enviable position where I can explore my other desires (bi, etc.) with my wife with others.

What’s my problem then? Why do I keep allowing myself to start to spiral down when there are times when I can’t get what I want?

I guess maybe what it comes down to is that I don’t like not having some level of control. If I’m waiting in a line I’m made the choice to wait or not. I can speak up and ask a manager if they will be opening another register. There are plenty of options I could choose or not choose to do. However, in the case of sex and getting what I feel I want/need I am not the only one holding the strings.

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June 22, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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