Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

It’s Not Our Parents(‘) Swinging Anymore

I suppose that some people may label my wife and I “swingers.”

Webster’s actually has a definition for it:
Pronunciation: 'swi[ng]-&r
Function: noun
: one that swings : as a : a lively up-to-date person who indulges in what is considered fashionable b : one who engages freely in sex

theicestormWhile I like the first part of it I suppose the second part of it is more accurate. However, the first part is not untrue. Believe it or not swinging is pretty in — heck Oprah even did a show about it! Or maybe you can blame Ang Lee. Check out craigslist, swinglisfestyle, flirtnyc, and Private Party List (I can list many more too!). There is a whole sub-culture out there and there are plenty of people who have taken it on as a lifestyle, but that’s not how we see things.

Since our relationship was ripped open and we have been much more open about our desires and feelings this has led us to start to share and explore them together. However, that doesn’t mean either of us is gonna go off and mess around with some person. This is a way for us to expand our experiences both individually, but more importantly as a couple. We see this exploring as an extension of our own sex life as a way to meet new people and try new things.

The meet new people is the most important part of things. We have a great group of friends and have great times with them, but in many ways they are also limiting. They’d never even venture the thought to go to some crazy Manhattan club and have a crazy night. They are fairly conservative in their social experiences (which is ironic because they are are the most politically liberal minded group of people I know).

We’re not looking for casual sex. We’re looking for new friends who are open about things. Again, let me bring out the cliche to wrap it up nicely — it’s the whole friends with benefits aspect of things.

We have had a wide range of experiences with single people, other couples, even a group. What has been the most positive aspect of things is that it has brought the two of us closer together both in our personal relationship, but also in our sexual relationship. We know that it probably doesn’t make sense to others, but it works for us. Plus it’s not like we’re off every other night hooking up with people (although we were pretty slutty this past December). After about 10 months of exploring we meet people maybe once or twice a month and oftentimes it is with people we have become friends with.

[ so every catch the double meaning in the title?? ]


June 21, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I suspect I’m a bit older than you and your wife, and I’ve seen the pendulum “swing” back and forth on this. The mainstream media has usually viewed swingers as either deviant or loopy. Even the term seems old-fashioned in an Austin Powers sort of way.

    The problem for many people is the emphasis on casual sex, as opposed to sexual experiences shared in a context. The raunchy sub-culture of porn doesn’t help, nor the partially true reality of cheaters frequenting the swingers lists and clubs, or the rise of the “fuck buddy,” a disgusting term in my opinion.

    That you and your wife have reached an accommodation like this is remarkable and commendable. I wish you both the greatest good luck as you move things forward.

    Comment by W. S. Cross | June 30, 2005 | Reply

  2. So so so so much of this resonates with me. Sounds a lot like what we’re looking for and hoping for, and one reason I have high hopes for the couple we’re meeting next weekend – because we like them (well, her) outside of the context of sex, too. So yeah, friends. With benefits. And it’s about us doing it together; I’ve run off and had brief things with girls alone, girls I was friends with, but it’s so much nicer when he’s with me and part of that experience. It’s not about my gratification, not entirely, or I could have an afternoon romp with a girlfriend; it’s about our enriching our sex life – for both of us separately and together – by adding in adventurous friends. If that makes sense. You said it well.

    Comment by orchid | May 26, 2006 | Reply

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