Defending the Raven

Bisexual. Married. Man. Open. Read On.

Summers Aren’t Always Like They Are in Grease

I spent the first 20 years of my life as a virgin and it took another 7 to have any sexual experience with anyone else… let alone a guy.

That’s the preamble to telling all about my summer of 2004. I have always been attracted to men physically and sexually. I can remember having those weird pre-pubescent feelings about both guys and girls. I could get as excited by the Victoria’s Secret catalog as the Calvin Klein underwear ads in the department store circulars in the Sunday paper.

However, I was horribly overweight until about 18 months ago (more on that another time). So while I had plenty of great friends no one ever saw me as someone they’d want to date or be with… until I found my wife. For reasons I can go into another time (it’s a post I’ll definitely want to make at some point) my wife and I spent 2 years as friends and then started dating under less then perfect circumstances; I was single, she wasn’t. But we were/and still are perfect for each other. We compliment each other in so many ways that we are the perfect balance for each other… dare I round it up in a cliche and say “we complete each other.”

However, despite this fantastic relationship I still had attractions to men. I explored that with various pornographic vehicles for many years even after getting married, but never acted on it… that is until last summer. After having lost so much weight I guess I felt much more confident and attractive and noticed that people were more attracted to me as well. So I embarked on a summer of debacuhery.

I CHEATED ON MY WIFE … FOR AN ENTIRE SUMMER … WITH MEN.

I guess I have the flare for the dramatic. But it’s also important for me to use the word cheated and be very forward about what I did because at the time I never felt like I was cheating. Sure oftentimes I would feel guilt or there would be times I thought my wife might have found out, but the fact of the matter I was being selfish and enjoying exploring a whole new side of me.

However, over the course of the next four months it had a dramatic impact on my relationship with my wife. As much as I tried to compartmentalize the two sides of me — the married one and the “single” guy fucking around with other guys — my attitutude started to change. I was confused. I didn’t understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I started to worry what it meant for my relationship with my wife and the life we had worked so hard to build. Worse than that it started to affect our sex life. I couldn’t …um… perform because I’d get worried about whether I had been 100% safe in my daliances and worried about “hurting” my wife. However, our sex life had been sitcom cliche boring (vanilla doesn’t even begin to describe it) that it took a while until she really started to wonder what the hell was going on.

That’s when, one day, over instant message she started to throw out wild accussations and I came to the most important moment in my life….



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June 15, 2005 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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